Girlfriends Suck Part 2

In a couple of months I will be turning 41 years old. 

I know SHOCKER!! 

Since the big 4-O so much has changed. I had people in my life, walk out, after being friends for 20+years. Most of us had been friends since high school, a couple since sixth grade. At the time it was sad losing them all at once, without really knowing why. People when they get older drift apart. I get that, this was more than that. 

Facebook has this "On This Day" that pops up in my notifications. Most of the time I giggle about what I posted, because I'm a dork! Then there are times that I had a hard day and posted about that. I take the time to thank God that I'm no longer in that place. I read the comments and hit the delete button on the comments of the people who are no longer in my life. 

It's like washing the dirty laundry. 

When I was younger I was told that once I hit a certain age I will no longer need the approval of other people and I will be able to walk away from things that I no longer need in my life. 

I think that I hit that age.  

So now when I think about it, does it really matter why? Those people are gone because they chose to walk out. 

Life as it's been said, moves on.

The Day I Went Fishing

March 2016 was a interesting month for me!

I was hanging out with a friend waiting for the girls to get out of school. We went shopping and his phone kept going off. I was getting annoyed. I finally asked him what was going on. He told me that he was "talking to a few people", with a weird look on his face. I asked him what do you mean "you are talking to a few people"? He admitted to me that he had signed up for a singles website. I laughed at him. He had been trying to get me to sign up for one for a while and I refused! I would NOT go down that road. When I wanted to date again I would find a guy a different way, not from a singles website!! 

All day long, his phone, 
                                  buzz, 
                                         buzz, 
                                                buzz, 

BUZZZ!!! 

My phone, no buzzing, no chirping.  I would look at it, shake it, Grrr at it. NOTHING! So after a long day of spending too much money and the help of a glass of wine I told him let's do this thing!!

I regretted it right away! As soon as I started my profile, my phone was going off, email was blowing up! It was insane. I didn't know what I was doing. This was my first time on a site like this. It was overwhelming. It took me a little while to figure out how things worked and all that time I was getting messages from different guys. They smelled the fresh meat I guess? My friend had been on the site before so he knew what he was doing so he kept "liking" people when I said they were cute. I wanted to know more about them before "liking" them so he wasn't helping!!

That first night I talked a few guys. It was flattering that I got so many messages. It was nice that I had options. I met a few guys for coffee. I could tell right away that there was something that just didn't click. So no one got a second date.

I didn't think that I needed a singles website. I was ok being single and taking life as it was. Now I wouldn't know how life would look like without going on. I have found the love of my life. How many people can say that? He was one of the first guys to message me. We talked for a while on the website and then he asked me for my number so we could text. The pictures on the singles site were great. I was attracted to him right away. He was a little sassy which I like. Very confident which is always a good thing. We went on our first date at the end of March. He was the first and last guy to get a second date. 

Life, It Moves On.

I was looking at the list of posts for this blog and all the posts that I haven't finished. Working titles like;
 A**hole Ex Husband
Being Divorced Sucks A**
This Part of Divorce I Hadn't Planned On
I'm Sitting Here Stressed Out Waiting for You to Show Up
Divorce: Feeling Guilty About What is Happening To My Girls 
The Feeling of Failure is Overwhelming Sometimes.

It's been almost two years since the divorce was final. I was really looking forward to having a healthy relationship with him when it came to the girls. I am so proud of myself for being able to do the things that he made me to scared to do. It was like shedding a really tight skin that was cutting off air. I hadn't planned on him flipping out when I started dating. Then turning it around and blaming me for him not seeing the girls. He made me feel guilty about wanting to having a life when that was what he was doing. Having a life. No responsibility to anyone but himself. 


He has taken the girls over night, twice. The longest he went, so far, was four months without seeing them. 

He has told our oldest that she is 17 now and doesn't NEED her father. 

Our youngest calls him when she wants to talk to him. She has to leave a message and he calls back later. OR sends me a text telling me, to tell her, sorry that he forgot to call back. 

If and when he does text me to tell me he wants to see the girls I tell him yes almost every time. He is really bad at making plans with our youngest and then not following through. Then she is hurt the whole day. Waiting for him to show up, for him to call or text. 

I think that she is starting to forget him though. She will be talking to me about something like her birthday. We just had her party so that's been on her mind. She told me about something that happened and asked me if I remember it. I told her that I did. She said that was a good time last year. I had to remind her that happened at her birthday party two years ago. That last year it was just me throwing her a party, that I got her, her bike. Seeing her realize that was hard to watch. 

It kills me inside to see how much they hurt. I want him in their lives. I have even gone through the thought process that maybe I shouldn't have gotten divorced. He would still be here. When I get that way our oldest will tell me that we are much better off now that he and I are divorced. Hearing that makes it better knowing that she knows how bad it was. 

If I vent about him not seeing the girls. I don't know how many people have asked, "Is he paying child support?" To which I answer "yes". Then they say, "Well at least he is doing that". WOW is that what this has come to?? As long as he pays child support he is off the hook for being a father to the kids he helped to make?? It's conversations like those that make me distance myself from people.

So this is my life now. 

Chugging along, doing life the best I can. 

I love my girls and they will never have to question that.

Summer Time Blues

The summer is over and I am sad. Not because all of the fun stuff we got to do and now the girls are back to school. We didn't get to do anything really. Compared to last summer. Last summer was one of the best! 

We moved, the girls got their own rooms! 

The first week we were here I ran five times. 

Avery put a rock up her nose and we had to take her to the ER to get it removed, well that wasn't the greatest. 

Now it makes me giggle, a little. 

We got outside more. There is a park right across the street and it's really nice. 

I would sit outside, drink iced coffee, and read, in the sun!  

It was wonderful! 

We went to see the fireworks, Avery's very first time. 

My girlfriend from North Carolina came into town for a MONTH!!! We got to hang out at a family BBQ at her mom's house. Then a few of us from HS went to Chicago for the day. Then I got to go with her and her boys to a local dinosaur museum. Just us Mom's got to go for dinner and drinks. Last but not least I got to hang out with her and her oldest boy and paint pottery. 

Whitney and I went down to spend the weekend with my friend who lived in Andersonville. We got to try new restaurants and new food. Walked around the city, and got pastries from a local bakery. 

Whitney became a model and got part of her head shaved. 

I met three other ladies that are so awesome, 

I'm awesome because I know them!! 

Then I got a fun trip to the ER to find out I have a throat disease. Yippee for baby bites and eating like an otter!! lol 

Then when we thought it couldn't get any better.....

We went to the One Direction 

concert in Soldiers Field. 

OH MY GOSH!!! 

Driving selfie!! Not really do you see the traffic in the background? Gotta love Chicago!

The diner in the back is where we ate before the concert. It was AWESOME! 

The girl in the back cracks me up every time I see this picture. We never did get her name....

A little over a week later it was time to become a 

Sophomore and a Kindergartner!  

 

That was a great summer!! 

Stressed Out!

All I feel right now is stress. 

Stressed about so many things I don't think I could even list them all. Work, School, Money, Food, Being Happy and more. 

I have seen and heard worrying doesn't do anything but take time away from getting things done. Yet here I am worrying. Stressing out about things. I know I have things I can and should be doing, yet all I want to do is sleep. Bury my head in the sand, sing Lalalala to myself and hope and wish and pray that this is all a bad dream. That when I wake up, everything will be right again. 

I will be happy for just having a job, instead of wishing a could call in everyday. 

That school will have started, with all the supplies needed, and fees paid. 

That I don't have to live paycheck to paycheck. That I have my ER fund set up. Bills paid and vacation planned and being saved for. 

That there is food in the fridge, and cabinets, That meals are planned and I get to cook. 

That I'm happy.

I had before the fire a wooden statue of a lady with her hair sticking straight out, a crazy look on her face and on her dress it said stressed out.  If I could choose what stressed out would look like to me would be her laying on the couch sleeping. Stressed out to me isn't energy, it's the lack of. It's the weight of the world on my shoulders feeling. The doubt that I am doing anything right. 

Maybe there is something wrong with me? Or could it just be that I work third shift, have no support from the ex-husband when it comes to the girls, and everything is on me. I don't get to have fun. Fun to me, at this point. Is coming home to a clean home. No dishes in the sink. Laundry done. I get to cook for my girls. I get to talk to them and find out that they are doing alright. 

What did Kermit say? It's not easy being green. Well it's not easy being a single mom of two, that works full time and still doesn't make enough to pay the bills. 

For now I sleep and pray that I have enough energy to get things done tomorrow so I can worry less. 

Just Stick With Me

Listen people, I'm not perfect. I have issues. 

Basically I am a pretty good person. I love people, I smile a lot and I try to make people laugh where ever I go. When I go into work I like to know people look forward to working with me because I'm fun and bring good energy to the place.  

Life has however just thrown me a curve ball. I have been given really bad news that is going to change how my and my girls lives look from now on. (no one is sick, I promise) I know that I will get through this, but it just happened. There are going to be days that I don't feel like being happy, counting carbs or making any sense. There are going to be days that I want to curl up in a ball and cry and eat what ever I want. 

Just stick with me. 

I will get back to the "fun, happy" Kim. I will be that "hey it's beautiful out let's open the windows and listen to One Direction really loud" Kim again.  I will not let this get me down for long. But people, I'm down now. Really down, and stressed and scared. God has a plan and He is keeping it close to the chest. I don't know what tomorrow or the next day looks like. 

So I'm going to grab happiness where I can get it!! 

I am grateful to have a few really wonderful, amazing people in my life that I lean on to vent and help with action plans. OK, ok and to whine to. OH and to buy pigs together! I don't have all the answers and the action plans do not always work. I have though, morning time with my Avery, before work time with my Whitney. Along with many other things. 

So if you see me and I'm not smiling, know it's temporary. 

Come up to me and say Hi!

I promise I will not bite....unless I'm hungry. 

Then I'm not promising anything!! 

What Did You Just Call Me?

Would you ever let a boyfriend call you a *itch? 

Maybe I should rephrase that, would you ever be ok with your boyfriend calling you a *itch, even joking around? What if you're the boyfriend, would you ever call your girlfriend that? If you do/did, why? 

Why, out of all the things you can say to a woman, you choose that word?

Years ago I was with a friend, her boyfriend and boyfriends friend. Double date, no, well maybe, but NO! Anyway, my friends boyfriend was being a jerk to her. I was standing up for her and he called me a *itch. I told his friend to pull over I was getting out. That no one calls me that. I didn't know where we were but I didn't care. I would have called someone to pick me up. That didn't happen, I stayed in the car, they dropped me off first. I stopped talking to my friends boyfriend for months. I never went out with the two of them for just as long if not longer, and I would drive. Years later the boyfriend became my friends husband. He brought it up one day. Asking me if I remembered it and I told him yes. He asked would I have really gotten out of the car? Yes, yes I would have. He never called me that, at least to my face, after that first time.  Now I know that's not really the same situation from your boyfriend calling you one just joking around. I still feel the same way though. 

I just don't think that its something you say to the person you are in a relationship with. The person you like, or even love. You don't use words like that, even joking around. It's disrespectful. What happens when you two fight and those type of words come into it? Then is it different? What makes it different? Because they are said in anger? I feel if you are going to use that type of language in everyday conversation when what is going to keep you from calling each other names when fighting?