Girlfriends Suck Part 2

In a couple of months I will be turning 41 years old. 

I know SHOCKER!! 

Since the big 4-O so much has changed. I had people in my life, walk out, after being friends for 20+years. Most of us had been friends since high school, a couple since sixth grade. At the time it was sad losing them all at once, without really knowing why. People when they get older drift apart. I get that, this was more than that. 

Facebook has this "On This Day" that pops up in my notifications. Most of the time I giggle about what I posted, because I'm a dork! Then there are times that I had a hard day and posted about that. I take the time to thank God that I'm no longer in that place. I read the comments and hit the delete button on the comments of the people who are no longer in my life. 

It's like washing the dirty laundry. 

When I was younger I was told that once I hit a certain age I will no longer need the approval of other people and I will be able to walk away from things that I no longer need in my life. 

I think that I hit that age.  

So now when I think about it, does it really matter why? Those people are gone because they chose to walk out. 

Life as it's been said, moves on.

The Day I Went Fishing

March 2016 was a interesting month for me!

I was hanging out with a friend waiting for the girls to get out of school. We went shopping and his phone kept going off. I was getting annoyed. I finally asked him what was going on. He told me that he was "talking to a few people", with a weird look on his face. I asked him what do you mean "you are talking to a few people"? He admitted to me that he had signed up for a singles website. I laughed at him. He had been trying to get me to sign up for one for a while and I refused! I would NOT go down that road. When I wanted to date again I would find a guy a different way, not from a singles website!! 

All day long, his phone, 
                                  buzz, 
                                         buzz, 
                                                buzz, 

BUZZZ!!! 

My phone, no buzzing, no chirping.  I would look at it, shake it, Grrr at it. NOTHING! So after a long day of spending too much money and the help of a glass of wine I told him let's do this thing!!

I regretted it right away! As soon as I started my profile, my phone was going off, email was blowing up! It was insane. I didn't know what I was doing. This was my first time on a site like this. It was overwhelming. It took me a little while to figure out how things worked and all that time I was getting messages from different guys. They smelled the fresh meat I guess? My friend had been on the site before so he knew what he was doing so he kept "liking" people when I said they were cute. I wanted to know more about them before "liking" them so he wasn't helping!!

That first night I talked a few guys. It was flattering that I got so many messages. It was nice that I had options. I met a few guys for coffee. I could tell right away that there was something that just didn't click. So no one got a second date.

I didn't think that I needed a singles website. I was ok being single and taking life as it was. Now I wouldn't know how life would look like without going on. I have found the love of my life. How many people can say that? He was one of the first guys to message me. We talked for a while on the website and then he asked me for my number so we could text. The pictures on the singles site were great. I was attracted to him right away. He was a little sassy which I like. Very confident which is always a good thing. We went on our first date at the end of March. He was the first and last guy to get a second date. 

Life, It Moves On.

I was looking at the list of posts for this blog and all the posts that I haven't finished. Working titles like;
 A**hole Ex Husband
Being Divorced Sucks A**
This Part of Divorce I Hadn't Planned On
I'm Sitting Here Stressed Out Waiting for You to Show Up
Divorce: Feeling Guilty About What is Happening To My Girls 
The Feeling of Failure is Overwhelming Sometimes.

It's been almost two years since the divorce was final. I was really looking forward to having a healthy relationship with him when it came to the girls. I am so proud of myself for being able to do the things that he made me to scared to do. It was like shedding a really tight skin that was cutting off air. I hadn't planned on him flipping out when I started dating. Then turning it around and blaming me for him not seeing the girls. He made me feel guilty about wanting to having a life when that was what he was doing. Having a life. No responsibility to anyone but himself. 


He has taken the girls over night, twice. The longest he went, so far, was four months without seeing them. 

He has told our oldest that she is 17 now and doesn't NEED her father. 

Our youngest calls him when she wants to talk to him. She has to leave a message and he calls back later. OR sends me a text telling me, to tell her, sorry that he forgot to call back. 

If and when he does text me to tell me he wants to see the girls I tell him yes almost every time. He is really bad at making plans with our youngest and then not following through. Then she is hurt the whole day. Waiting for him to show up, for him to call or text. 

I think that she is starting to forget him though. She will be talking to me about something like her birthday. We just had her party so that's been on her mind. She told me about something that happened and asked me if I remember it. I told her that I did. She said that was a good time last year. I had to remind her that happened at her birthday party two years ago. That last year it was just me throwing her a party, that I got her, her bike. Seeing her realize that was hard to watch. 

It kills me inside to see how much they hurt. I want him in their lives. I have even gone through the thought process that maybe I shouldn't have gotten divorced. He would still be here. When I get that way our oldest will tell me that we are much better off now that he and I are divorced. Hearing that makes it better knowing that she knows how bad it was. 

If I vent about him not seeing the girls. I don't know how many people have asked, "Is he paying child support?" To which I answer "yes". Then they say, "Well at least he is doing that". WOW is that what this has come to?? As long as he pays child support he is off the hook for being a father to the kids he helped to make?? It's conversations like those that make me distance myself from people.

So this is my life now. 

Chugging along, doing life the best I can. 

I love my girls and they will never have to question that.

Summer Time Blues

The summer is over and I am sad. Not because all of the fun stuff we got to do and now the girls are back to school. We didn't get to do anything really. Compared to last summer. Last summer was one of the best! 

We moved, the girls got their own rooms! 

The first week we were here I ran five times. 

Avery put a rock up her nose and we had to take her to the ER to get it removed, well that wasn't the greatest. 

Now it makes me giggle, a little. 

We got outside more. There is a park right across the street and it's really nice. 

I would sit outside, drink iced coffee, and read, in the sun!  

It was wonderful! 

We went to see the fireworks, Avery's very first time. 

My girlfriend from North Carolina came into town for a MONTH!!! We got to hang out at a family BBQ at her mom's house. Then a few of us from HS went to Chicago for the day. Then I got to go with her and her boys to a local dinosaur museum. Just us Mom's got to go for dinner and drinks. Last but not least I got to hang out with her and her oldest boy and paint pottery. 

Whitney and I went down to spend the weekend with my friend who lived in Andersonville. We got to try new restaurants and new food. Walked around the city, and got pastries from a local bakery. 

Whitney became a model and got part of her head shaved. 

I met three other ladies that are so awesome, 

I'm awesome because I know them!! 

Then I got a fun trip to the ER to find out I have a throat disease. Yippee for baby bites and eating like an otter!! lol 

Then when we thought it couldn't get any better.....

We went to the One Direction 

concert in Soldiers Field. 

OH MY GOSH!!! 

Driving selfie!! Not really do you see the traffic in the background? Gotta love Chicago!

The diner in the back is where we ate before the concert. It was AWESOME! 

The girl in the back cracks me up every time I see this picture. We never did get her name....

A little over a week later it was time to become a 

Sophomore and a Kindergartner!  

 

That was a great summer!! 

Stressed Out!

All I feel right now is stress. 

Stressed about so many things I don't think I could even list them all. Work, School, Money, Food, Being Happy and more. 

I have seen and heard worrying doesn't do anything but take time away from getting things done. Yet here I am worrying. Stressing out about things. I know I have things I can and should be doing, yet all I want to do is sleep. Bury my head in the sand, sing Lalalala to myself and hope and wish and pray that this is all a bad dream. That when I wake up, everything will be right again. 

I will be happy for just having a job, instead of wishing a could call in everyday. 

That school will have started, with all the supplies needed, and fees paid. 

That I don't have to live paycheck to paycheck. That I have my ER fund set up. Bills paid and vacation planned and being saved for. 

That there is food in the fridge, and cabinets, That meals are planned and I get to cook. 

That I'm happy.

I had before the fire a wooden statue of a lady with her hair sticking straight out, a crazy look on her face and on her dress it said stressed out.  If I could choose what stressed out would look like to me would be her laying on the couch sleeping. Stressed out to me isn't energy, it's the lack of. It's the weight of the world on my shoulders feeling. The doubt that I am doing anything right. 

Maybe there is something wrong with me? Or could it just be that I work third shift, have no support from the ex-husband when it comes to the girls, and everything is on me. I don't get to have fun. Fun to me, at this point. Is coming home to a clean home. No dishes in the sink. Laundry done. I get to cook for my girls. I get to talk to them and find out that they are doing alright. 

What did Kermit say? It's not easy being green. Well it's not easy being a single mom of two, that works full time and still doesn't make enough to pay the bills. 

For now I sleep and pray that I have enough energy to get things done tomorrow so I can worry less. 

Just Stick With Me

Listen people, I'm not perfect. I have issues. 

Basically I am a pretty good person. I love people, I smile a lot and I try to make people laugh where ever I go. When I go into work I like to know people look forward to working with me because I'm fun and bring good energy to the place.  

Life has however just thrown me a curve ball. I have been given really bad news that is going to change how my and my girls lives look from now on. (no one is sick, I promise) I know that I will get through this, but it just happened. There are going to be days that I don't feel like being happy, counting carbs or making any sense. There are going to be days that I want to curl up in a ball and cry and eat what ever I want. 

Just stick with me. 

I will get back to the "fun, happy" Kim. I will be that "hey it's beautiful out let's open the windows and listen to One Direction really loud" Kim again.  I will not let this get me down for long. But people, I'm down now. Really down, and stressed and scared. God has a plan and He is keeping it close to the chest. I don't know what tomorrow or the next day looks like. 

So I'm going to grab happiness where I can get it!! 

I am grateful to have a few really wonderful, amazing people in my life that I lean on to vent and help with action plans. OK, ok and to whine to. OH and to buy pigs together! I don't have all the answers and the action plans do not always work. I have though, morning time with my Avery, before work time with my Whitney. Along with many other things. 

So if you see me and I'm not smiling, know it's temporary. 

Come up to me and say Hi!

I promise I will not bite....unless I'm hungry. 

Then I'm not promising anything!! 

What Did You Just Call Me?

Would you ever let a boyfriend call you a *itch? 

Maybe I should rephrase that, would you ever be ok with your boyfriend calling you a *itch, even joking around? What if you're the boyfriend, would you ever call your girlfriend that? If you do/did, why? 

Why, out of all the things you can say to a woman, you choose that word?

Years ago I was with a friend, her boyfriend and boyfriends friend. Double date, no, well maybe, but NO! Anyway, my friends boyfriend was being a jerk to her. I was standing up for her and he called me a *itch. I told his friend to pull over I was getting out. That no one calls me that. I didn't know where we were but I didn't care. I would have called someone to pick me up. That didn't happen, I stayed in the car, they dropped me off first. I stopped talking to my friends boyfriend for months. I never went out with the two of them for just as long if not longer, and I would drive. Years later the boyfriend became my friends husband. He brought it up one day. Asking me if I remembered it and I told him yes. He asked would I have really gotten out of the car? Yes, yes I would have. He never called me that, at least to my face, after that first time.  Now I know that's not really the same situation from your boyfriend calling you one just joking around. I still feel the same way though. 

I just don't think that its something you say to the person you are in a relationship with. The person you like, or even love. You don't use words like that, even joking around. It's disrespectful. What happens when you two fight and those type of words come into it? Then is it different? What makes it different? Because they are said in anger? I feel if you are going to use that type of language in everyday conversation when what is going to keep you from calling each other names when fighting?

10 More Days!!

All year long I have tried to get Avery into the habit of getting dressed then coming out to eat breakfast while I make her lunch. Once breakfast is done, then it's to the bathroom to do her hair and brush her teeth. Afterwards, socks and shoes. Back pack is already packed from the night before and waiting by the door. So is the coat and shoes. 

This is NOT what happens!! 

She wants breakfast as soon as she gets up. I pour the milk over the cereal and THEN she has to go potty. She gets back and the cereal is soggy. I still make her eat some of it. She then needs to go get dressed in the clothes she picked out the night before. BUT wait for it....she forgot, OR she doesn't have a shirt or pants to go with what ever she did pick out. OY! So now I have to help her pick something. Which she doesn't like and WW3 happens. I walk away before, well, before I can remember where I put the duck tape! I start to make her lunch only to realize I don't have her lunch bag. ME, "Avery where is your lunch bag? AVERY, "I don't know" ME, "AUGH!".  I find it and have to throw out food because she didn't eat everything. And where in the world is her water bottle?? I ask her, she doesn't know where that is either. Shocker right? So I look for it and find it, not in the fridge. We are finally dressed, now lets get teeth brushed and hair combed. I put to much tooth paste on the tooth brush so she rinses most of it off. Brushes about three times and is done. Then I'm pulling her hair. "Head up, Avery. But Mommy the lights hurt my eyes. Then close them child!" She wants two braids but we only have time for one. 

Socks and shoes time. 
"Avery, are those the socks from yesterday? 
Yes.
Avery go get clean socks on! We are going to be late!
I can't find any. 
(As I'm walking away to go into her room) 
Girl!! We should be in the car right now and you can't find any clean socks!!" 
Which I found in her dresser drawer! 

We finally get out the door and she walks like she is walking thru syrup. I have to put my hand on her back to even get her to the car. I don't know how many times she has almost gotten her head hit by the door because she isn't paying attention. (or how many times it has been hit.....) 

We get into the car and she has finally started to buckle herself. Yes I know, it took her long enough! We drive to school and she will call out Toaster!! That's what we call KIA Soul's. We get to school and I tell her, I love her, not to eat her friends and to show them what shes got. Now that I typed that out, I am so glad I never got a phone call about her flashing kids in school!! 

I drive back and come into the apartment to the smell of coffee and dirty dishes. AH! Home. 

10 more days of school people. Then it's summer!! 
Stay tuned for the "oh my gosh, when is summer over rant!"   

Today I'm Sad.

Tomorrow it will be two years since my Mom passed away. 

I can say that it doesn't feel like it's be two years but it does. 

Two very long years that I haven't been able to talk to her. 

To see her. 

To hear her. 

To touch her. 

I talk to her. When I'm by myself. I know to some it might be weird. I ask her about things that are going on in my life. What she thinks about them. Or if she knew all along that things were going to happen the way they did. I tell her about the people I have in my life and how grateful I am for all of them. I tell her about the new people, people that she didn't get to meet. I tell her about the people that she had met. I tell her about work. I tell her about the girls and ask for guidance. I tell her that I miss her. That's normally when I have to stop talking to her because the pain of her being gone overwhelms me. 

I think about her all the time, but I find myself thinking about her multiple times a day around the anniversary of her death. I was walking down one of the aisles at work and my eyes just caught the label on a bag of candy. JuJu bees. These were not even her favorite candy. She liked Dots, or Juciyfruit better. The JuJu bees remind me of a time we went camping and she let me get them. I just smiled to myself and said, 

"I miss you too Mom" 

I see her so much in Avery. Sometimes it catches me off guard. She could be sleeping, watching something on the TV or something she says. Avery will sometimes just bring my Mom up in conversation. It's been a while so I don't remember the last time she did say something. Whitney will just look at me. I think she is checking to see if I'm ok. I will be my love, I will be. Not tomorrow or the next day, but there will be a day that the pain doesn't make me want to curl up in a ball. There will come a day that I will be at peace knowing that I will see her again. That day is not today. 

Today I am sad.  

Oh my gosh, can you imagine how short she would be next to my nephew Nick?? The one I call Gigantor. :)

January 4, 2015

The day he moved out, a little. 

He is no longer going to be here everyday and every night. I'm supposed to be happy right? This was supposed to have happened months ago. I was ready then, not now. That morning started off good. We talked and came to a better understanding of what has happened in the last week that has brought us to this point. He got the suitcase from downstairs and started to fill it. Avery had a lot of questions. She also wanted to help him pick out what clothes went with him to his friends house. He went to drop stuff off and then came back. I had to work that night and he offered to take me. Which I accepted. He picked me up and brought me home. He came in, and checked on the girls. We talked for a little bit. 

Then he kissed my forehead, 

walked to the door, 

opened it 
said "bye" 
and 

walked out.
Closing the door behind him. 

Good Bye 2014!!

Wouldn't be wonderful if you could truly close the door to 2014 and open the door to 2015, with a fresh start. To walk through and everything is wonderful. Wouldn't it be wonderful to not remember all the hurts and disappointments? That you could start with a brand new you? That this would be the beginning of the rest of your life? Well what if that life can't start yet? What if you are stuck dealing with 2014 for a while still? 

New Years was never a big deal for me. Now don't get me wrong, going to NYC on new years is on the bucket list. To be there with the high school girlfriends or someone special that I could give that special new year kiss to. I read something about how you should kiss the person you love. You should start the kiss before the end of the year and continue until the ball drops so it can be the perfect ending and beginning of the years. (I think that I threw up a little.) When I was younger I loved staying up to watch all the music acts on Dick Clark's New Years show. We would flip between New York and Chicago TV stations. Once the new year hit New York, we normally went to bed. I don't know if we thought, well ok nothing bad happened in New York so we are good to go to bed. Or just that the Chicago stations didn't have anyone else good on after that. 

What about all the good that happened in 2014? There was good that happened in 2014 I'm sure of it. If given the time and proper tools I could get a list together for you! So do we have the cheesy new years resolution? I vow to get to the gym, to lose weight, to focus on me, to eat more chocolate, to being a better parent, to read more books, watch less TV. To eat better, to go to bed earlier. Oh to be a better friend, or to see my friends more. The thing that I've been seeing a lot of is the mason jar with the little papers in it. "Everyday write something you are grateful for then next year read them all" Oy! Can I get 365 pieces of paper right now so I can just write down, thank you God for letting me wake up and try this life thing again? Because I think that's what it's coming down to with me. Tomorrow is not promised and just like in 2014, there are going to be days in 2015 that suck! 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to make fun of the resolutions. I just know that the statistics say that within the first two weeks people have either stopped doing what they said they were going to do or having even started. So tell me what is the big deal? Am I missing something? Shouldn't we just do the thing, insert resolution here, starting now and not wait for the new year? A friend told me that just because it was someones birthday they shouldn't have to kick up notch the making them feel special that one day. They should be made to feel special everyday. 

So to 2014 I say suck it! 2015, please be gentle. 

Day 74

All day I'm fighting to stay away. I am sick and I think that if I could just get a nap, I know this is the day that I will start to feel better. I just know it!! So I fall asleep on the couch, to then be woken up a number of times because my girls are home. They need me to feed them. It's not really fair to them that I'm sick and well depressed. So I read chapter two to Avery. I talk to Whitney about a crappy friend. I read my book four and continue to fight the head nod. Then bedtime finally comes around and I fall asleep on the couch that is now my ex-husband's bed. He is pissed at me so I get woken up to be told he wants to go to bed. I grab my stuff, kiss Whitney on the head as I pass and shuffle off to what used to be our room. I fall into bed and fall right to sleep. 
No dreams, thank goodness.

Then it's 12:15AM and I'm awake. I check Facebook, I check email. I go out into the living room to get my laptop to then check Facebook and email again. I think about reading more of book four. Then I think about the day. Think about this morning. I think, and think and think. Instead of the anger I felt and still kind of do, the sadness rushes in. 

The hurt, the pain. 
The unease, the uncertainty. 
Self doubt and insecurities. 

The nagging thoughts that make me just want to run away. When will this go away? When will I feel better? Will it get harder? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? God doesn't give you more than you can handle? There is a lesson to be learned in all of this, I just might have to wait to see what it was. 

Ten years from now would you want to be the same person you are right now? NO!! Then why fear change? 

Right? Light bulb moment right? 

Knowing that still doesn't help me. Knowing that still doesn't hug me, hold my hand, kiss me good night or good morning. I still feel like this little girl that is begging to be loved. Why don't you love me? Please love me. I am damaged goods and I don't know if I will ever get to the point of being able to love again. To trust again. To not question. 

The minutes pass by and I breathe. In and then out. Just breathe. It feels like I am drowning, but I'm just sitting in my bed. My stomach makes a noise. I'm hungry. I don't think that I ate dinner. 

Life moves on. 

I Might Be Sick

Sick with the Ba Hum Bug.

No amount of Christmas music or Christmas lights are getting me in the mood for Christmas. We have had very little snow. So little that I was able to go for a run this week. (I did pretty good seeing as I haven't gotten a run in for a couple months) The Christmas totes got brought up on Thanksgiving maybe the day before. They are still in the living room, mostly full. My Whitney, the one that LOVES Christmas isn't feeling it either. Although she has her own personal snow flurry going in her room. Yup that was a Frozen reference. LOL! 

Is it weird that going in there makes me cold?

She even has them hanging from her door. 

Oy, where is my Christmas spirit? I'm just not in the mood for any of it. Decorating, watching Christmas movies, shopping or baking. Well ok that last one I never feel like doing! Here we are only five days away from Christmas. I just heard on the radio that it's going to be insane at the stores today because it's the last Saturday before the holiday. So there is no way I'm going shopping today! 

This just happened. 

Avery, "Can we make gingerbread cookies for Santa?"
Me, "I think we should just make some sugar cookies"
Avery, "Can we just make one? I want to see if it will run away."
Me, "LOL" 

My Avery has made ornaments for the tree, wrote a letter to Santa and made a present for me at school. This kid is so excited!! 

Avery's ornaments. A heart and a unicorn. :D

What is wrong with me? I really need to try to fake it or something! I read somewhere that the tradition was to decorate on Christmas Eve. That's normally when I wrap all the presents. So, maybe I can start wrapping now, and I will be in the mood to get everything done the night before. 

It will be like a Christmas miracle? 

The Best Weekend EVER... in a while

Friday started out good. 

Avery went back to school after being sent home on Thursday. I went to the grocery store, which I hate but did it anyway. I came home and napped because I had to work that night. I had called my sister earlier in the week and made plans for my niecy, Elizabeth, to come and spend the night. WITH books three and four of the series that she got me into. :D I had a wonderful conversation with a friend of mine about body image and was feeling pretty good about myself. Elizabeth got here and shortly after that I had to go to work. It was a cleaning shift which I am beginning to have fun with. I get all the cleaning done then I pick a project to do. I take everything off of the tables and clean and then put it back how I want it. Now I know I might be driving people crazy with stuff not being in the place they left it. Also who knows if it will really stay that way. It just makes me feel good. All the spices got alphabetized and binders got labeled. There is more that I did but I think those couple of things will bring the biggest impact. One of the girls that I worked with at my store came in and we went on break together. After four hours I was done and went home. Well after I got to see two of our city's wonderful police officers come in. (I LOVE MY JOB!!) 

Saturday morning, Avery woke up. 

She came into my room and we snuggled, like really snuggled for a long time. She wanted me to rub her tummy and scratch her back. Every time I would start to fall back to sleep I would feel her little hand on mine wanting me to keep me either rubbing or scratching. My Whitney woke up and came into bed with us. Shortly after that Elizabeth did also. I had all my girls in bed with me snuggling!! It was probably THE best way to start the day. We all got up and had breakfast and coffee, well Avery didn't have coffee. Whitney showed me her school newspaper. There was an article in it that she wanted me to read and talk about. (It was about the school dress code, it was supposed to be a funny story but I could hear some truth in it. I was a little upset by it. Although it was a great way to have a conversation with Whitney) Elizabeth and I got a chance to talk also. She is heading into the next week with finals. Then we just hung out the whole day. I had plans to go out with my friend Jen that night. Friday would have been 16 years married and Jen's birthday was Sunday.

So there was some drinking to be doing!!

 I picked her up around 8PM, we went for a drink after we got tickets to see a play. We had ran into a couple that we were both friends with and they saved us seats. The show was funny, ish. Jen and I both had a drink so I'm wondering how it would have been sober. :/ We went and got something to eat at one of my favorite places in the downtown area. A waiter that I've had before was there and well he remember my girl friends from high school and I from this summer. Good food, a selfie and one more drink, then home. 

Sunday, we slept in. 

Avery was up and down most of the night with still not feeling good. More coffee, and Elizabeth had to go home. I was going to go for a run. Yup you read that correctly, a RUN in December, when I live in Wisconsin!! It was in the 40's people!!! So warm! Well Whitney had other ideas. She wanted to get some of her friends Christmas gifts. So off to the store we go. We went to five different ones. By the fifth Whitney was done!! LOL. I told her that if she was around when my Gram was shopping she wouldn't be able to hang with her. That woman could shop circles around people!! We got home around six had something to eat and just hung out. I went to my room to start on book three that Elizabeth brought and next thing I know I hear Avery coughing. (it was 1AM I think) I had fallen to sleep and I don't remember reading any of the book. :/ And here I am now writing about the weekend. 

It was for the most part a GREAT weekend. Friday was a day of learning and staying true to myself. Saturday was so good for me. I love all my girls and having them all around me Saturday morning was, to say wonderful would be putting it lightly. I am truly grateful for getting the chance to mend a friendship that I helped to hurt. Then to get the chance to hang out without it being planed was cool. I know that this road right now is a hard one for me. I also know that without the support of the people in my life I wouldn't be doing as well as I am right now. I'm not where I want to be yet but I'm getting there. 

The song "Just Breathe" from Faith Hill comes to mind but the lyrics do not match my feelings right now. So I'm just going to keep repeating the "just breathe" part. :D Have a great week everyone! 

Everything Is Just So Big

 What I am talking about is my clothes. 

I know it's a great problem. I have lost weight and my clothes are to big. To the point that I'm having flashbacks to junior high and my friend getting her pants pulled down by a boy in front of a lot of people. Not a pleasant memory. Don't get me wrong after having two kids being able to pee fast is a good thing. I just don't want them to fall down on their own. That's just the bottoms, the tops are to big also. I am always moving the shirt so my bra straps are not showing. Or the "girls" (I'm talking about my boobs. Yes I could have just said that but for future reference, "girls" means boobs), are not all out for everyone to see. 

I don't have a full length mirror to really see what I look like. This is a good and a bad thing all wrapped up in one. Good because I know I have more to lose and I don't want to truly see how much. Bad because I have lost weight and I need to be happy with how I look right now. I do start to wonder if I look messy, unkempt, or even frumpy? Do I still look big because the clothes do not fit right? It could be as simple as going to get new clothes that fit. I have issue with that also. Some women like to go shopping, some hate it. I am in the hate it group. Also I'm still losing weight and I don't want to get anything to tight.

 There is a fine line between something fitting 
or it being a sausage casing, people. 

A great example of this is when I went to my friends store. I was helping her clean up her back room. She found a childern's size large tee shirt and held it up to me. I joked and said "oh that would totally fit me". The next thing I know it's getting put over my head and she is putting it on me!! Guess what, it fit. Even over my shirt that I had on that was BIG on me. Now I'm not saying it's a shirt I would wear outside, in public, around anyone that has a cell phone.....but it fit. My friend even laughed and said it's very slimming. I didn't believe her. She told me to go look in the mirror. I did and then started to laugh, she was right. Wow, I didn't look all that bad in it. The thought, I really should have stuck with that AB challenge came to mind. I was able to take it off with out to much trouble. Now that I would say was a sausage casing, with a shirt on underneath it. 

With not really knowing what I look like it's so hard to judge what size I would be in without trying everything on. Just one more example. I started a new job. We have a uniform that we have to wear. I had to buy shirts. They, of course do not have any you can try on before ordering them. I told the lady from HR what size I thought that I needed. Extra Large. She told me that I should probably go with a Large. Oh ok well she knows that the shirts look like and how they fit. I went with the large. Well the large was to big. I traded them in for MEDIUMS!! Mediums people! I have no idea the last time I was a medium. 

So when do I go buy the smaller sizes? When using a belt doesn't help anymore? When everything is now work out clothes because they cover my booty? Oh, when I can put both girls in one of my shirts together when they are being mean to one another? 

It's not cellulite it's my body's way of saying "I'm sexy" in braille. 

Mr. & Mrs. No Longer

We have filed for divorce and in a couple days it will be final.

This will not come to a surprise to my close friends and family that I have reached out to. Why the need/want to share it publicly? Because I have people in my life, and Chris's, that feel the need to speak into our lives about things they do not know about or understand. No one truly knows what happens in a marriage that ends. Can you really point to one thing that made everything else change? I would say yes, if he abused me in some way. That's not the case. Chris and I have been together for 17 years. We both want different things and we have known that for a very long time. 

We grew up and grew apart. 

We have been talking about it for a while now. Well maybe I have been talking about it for a while and he has just listened to it. We have been to a counselor to try to work out some of our issues. One of the earlier appointments, she told me that I needed to figure out what makes me happy, that I HAD to pick something. "You can no longer look to him to make you happy". That really was a light bulb moment for me. I couldn't ignore it. I had to listen to her. For my marriage and more importantly, myself. I started to do things that I had been wanting to do but didn't because he never wanted to do them. I made plans with friends and kept them. I started a class online. I refocused on my Type 2. I found a new place to live that was closer to the girls schools, closer to family, with three bedrooms and a dish washer! That first week I ran five times. My bike was even dusted off! I started to sing again.

What happened wasn't planned. 

I really did go into this with hope that we could figure this out. I took my vows very seriously and was trying to do everything I could to make it work. We worked on the budget together. We even had date nights. We continued going to see the counselor, we still are. There just comes a time in life that you know that what ever you do, nothing is going to fix it. That doesn't mean that we don't have love for each other. It just means that it's just not enough to stay together. I found a part of myself that I lost a lot of years ago. That part of me isn't ok with going through life not happy. I want a chance to stand on my own two feet and do life the way I want to. That means without being married. 

All that being said. This is not going to be the typical divorce. We don't hate each other. We are trying to make this co-parenting thing work. We made these kids together and we are going to do the best to still raise them together. So you might see us together as a family still. No that doesn't mean we are back together or working on it. It means we have enough respect for each other to hang out as a family. 

I'm not and with the help of Chris, wanting to tell everyone this so more people can tell us what they think we should do. Right or wrong, we are doing what is right for us. I really hope everyone can respect that. 




Starts With Goodbye by Carrie Underwood

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

Kim Possible: Hall Closet

Another project DONE!! 

I don't know, have I told you how much I LOVE doing this? 

So I forgot to take a before picture of the top of the closet. Which is sad because it was a mess!! Here they are as close to the before as I can get. 

So this is what is looks like now.
I went through the games and we put the rest of them in another closet.
Something about them being collectors items.....

Bubbles and a lot of summer items.
Laundry soap and drier balls.

Norwex body cloths.
Wash cloths and hand towels. 

Pool and bath towels. 

Toilet paper, paper towels, that bucket doesn't belong there. :/
Pop and my love, my Shark!! Don't look to close, he needs a bath! 

This is the other side. See I told you I started before taking a picture!!
Darn my excitement!! 

A couple coats, my backpack, (my love),
reusable bags and my gift wrap/birthday decorations cart.
 

These were also in the closet.
On the top left before the games got moved there. 

I will tell you this took me a lot longer than I thought it was going to. It's such a small area but has so much going on with it. I really want to take the doors off. Although I'm pretty sure I would be killed in my sleep if I asked Chris to put one, well two more things in storage. I have a couple small projects to take care of before going to bed tonight. I might have taken a basket that was being used for something else for this area. :) So I either find a new home for the stuff or I sleep on top of extra sheets and blankets and a shower curtain. :/ 

Here is the AFTER:

Not sure what is going on with the top of the picture.
I have the games up there and my camera stand.
Left orange tub, all the summer stuff, right tub pool towels.
The white one has light bulbs and extension cords.  
These work out so much better!

The brown baskets are holding all of my Norwex cloths, wash cloths, and hand towels. 
I might add, with plenty of room! Next shelf, the basket is holding my laundry soap and drier balls. My bath towels, I promise we have more. They are just in the bathroom.
Yes, that's a lot of pop. No it doesn't make me happy.
The two blue buckets are holding plastic bags and reusable bags.
I MIGHT have a lot more reusable bags in my car......

As you can see I have my gift wrap/birthday decorations on the top shelf. With a basket in front of the drawers. I have toilet paper and paper towels in there. So when I do need to get to the cart it will not be an issue. A few coats and a few extra hangers for friends and family. 


Chris took my vacuum to clean Avery's room so I didn't take a picture of it in there. Just know there is a lot of room for him now. I even have a couple of floor mats in there ready when we have wet shoes. I am so happy how this turned out.

Like really, really happy!

 It's hard to move into a new space and get everything in working order. We have been here since the middle of May. This is the second time I have done this closet. Now my question to you is, how long have you lived in your home? Do you have areas that just do not work for you? What frustrates you about them? Do you think you need a little help getting them to work for you and your family?  I can help. :D