SNOW DAY!

I wish I could say that with happiness in my voice, but I can't. Whitney is home from school and is crabby about it. She wants to see her friends. So I told her that was fine. Though no one is coming over until our home is cleaned up. It's not trashed like it normally is after I am sick. I have been trying to keep up with it. I'm still a little sick, I don't think I have a fever but my stomach isn't feeling the best. So we need to get dressed, the dishes need to be washed, the bathroom needs to be cleaned and beds need to be made. Well Whitney just gave me a look like, "well if dishes need to be cleaned, why are you on the computer?" This is where she is lucky the computer is in the way of me getting up and beating her. It is not my job to wash all of the dishes and she needs to help around here. I don't want to have anyone over now. I would love to just leave her home with her sister and go run the errands I need to run. Why don't I just do that? I don't know. Last year she had a very bad few days at school and she got in trouble for not getting home in the time she said she was going to. The next day Chris and I woke up to her being gone. She ran away. That was one of the hardest days in my life. Chris found her, but that was only after I call the police and tried calling a couple other people. So now I guess I am a little scared to push her to much. On the other hand I just want to shake her. Who does she think she is? She is a part of this family and she needs to help out. Now more that she wants her friends to come over. Why is that something that is so hard to understand? This is a lesson that has been so hard for her to learn. Cause and Effect. I am one to follow through, so what am I doing wrong? She is dressed and has done some of the dishes. 

Now for the three year old!! She is driving me nuts also. Jumping on the couch and not listening. I am getting very sick of telling her no over and over again. Why do children have to push buttons? 


By the way, I have never hit my girls. The thought is enough to calm me down. Yes I yell, but never, ever hit. I just wanted that to be clear just in case someone reads this and thinks something crazy. 
Thanks for letting me vent, now onto the rest of the day. Yippee!!

It's Been a Week

The sadness is just below the surface, it's been one week since my Mom's Memorial. Not much has changed, other than not going to see her in the nursing home or hospital. Not picking out pictures for the DVD, or the memory boards. Cleaning and putting away everything I used for the Memorial. Still having the metal box we used to hold Mom's ashes during the service. Her favorite flowers in almost every room of my home. 

Not much has changed, but a little has. 

I was window shopping online the other day and found a long sleeve shirt for Avery that said Auntie Auntie Auntie it was pink. I clicked on the picture to pull up the other colors, the purple one said Nana Nana Nana. That took me by surprise. 

 I think that I was having Whitney text someone for me while I was driving. I asked her to put a smiley face in it. She said she would that she has a button that pulls all of the smiles up. That of all things made me cry. My Mom couldn't figure out how to turn on speaker on her cell phone and Whitney has a button for smileys. I still have her information in my cell phone, on the wall by the home phone and in my address book. 

I just don't have the energy to erase them. 

I keep thinking about calling her. I haven't been able to talk to her on the phone for months but now all I can think about is doing just that. I know maybe if I did erase her information then maybe I wouldn't be thinking about calling her. 

That wouldn't matter, I knew her number by heart. 

I thought that Avery was going to have a really hard time last week. I had been telling her the whole week before that we were going to go to a different church on Saturday. One that doesn't have all of her friends from our church but that she would met new friends. I told her that we had to pick up flowers for church, that they were Nana's favorite. She started saying that we needed to bring Nana flowers. 

I worried that she thought she was going to see my Mom. 

I still need to pick something out to put some of her ashes in. Then bury the rest of her. Maybe then the hurting will be bad again, right now it's just below the surface. 

What Do I Do Now?

It is so hard to just sit back and wait for you to die. I don't understand how we got here. It was an infection in your mouth. Why are we now sitting next to you in your death bed? I'm not ready for this. I feel like you are short changing me. From the summer before 5th grade until now, I have not lived with you. Which most of that time would be ok. Since I am married with two kids. We didn't get the time to hate one another through my teenage years. You never told me about boys and who to stay away from. You didn't teach me to cook. Or to clean my home. I want more time with you. If not for all of what we missed, then all the time we could have had. There are more memories I need to make with you. 

This just doesn't feel right, sitting next to you in your death bed. Waiting for God to take you home. I know this time I will not be mad at him for this.       Not like Gram. 

Why are we here? Why did you have to start smoking? Who gave you your first cigarette? I feel like a spoiled child not getting everything I want, but I don't want everything just more time. More time to watch you with my girls. More time to pick on your football team choices. More time to make coffee for you on the weekends you come up. I just want more time Mom. Please can we just make this last 6 months just be a bad, a very bad dream? Like on Dallas? 

I know your tired, just take a nap and come back to me. 
I love you and need you. 

I don't know how we got here. This thing called cancer. That is what got us here. I hate you cancer. I hate that you are in my Mom's body. 

New Car Blues

Well it happened, the Egg broke. Insert funny egg jokes here. Now we have to find another new to me car. I was talking to a friend about how I have picked out cars in the past and I think that is when she said to me. "I feel a blog post coming on". So to you Mandy C. I dedicate this post!

So I start with my first car. A 1993 Geo Metro, hatchback! Green, manual, roll down windows, AM/FM radio, with heat! Gosh I loved that car. I think I was almost finished with HS or just out when I got it. My brother in law worked at Bernard Chevrolet. He had told me about this car and about how much it was. I had to learn how to drive it, he said he would teach me. I asked him what color it was. He told me green and I asked him where do I sign? I had the Metro until we sold it for 300.00 in 2003. 

My second car I didn't get until 2006. At this time Chris worked at Gurnee Dodge and I asked him what car was in the commercial with the basketball players in the backseat looking like toddlers. They would be looking around and saying something like "wow it does have a lot of room back here". I asked him do you have one of those on the lot. He said yes. I asked what color, white, OK when can I test drive it? That's how I got the Egg, I was so happy to see power windows, AC, a CD player and four doors! Wow it was fancy! 

Now maybe you can see my problem when faced with having to pick out another car. I am not that fussy about what the car has in it. Chris wants me to be in a safe car, I just want it to have cruse control! LOL. So now I have been looking for something that has all wheel drive. I thought that this might be important since I hit a fire hydrant last year from sliding on ice. :/ . I guess I would be looking for something that has a little bit more leg and head room. Whitney has very tall friends, and I don't think they are done growing. Chris has gotten me a mini van in the past and now, as a rental. I really like that I can push a button and doors open. This one has the satellite radio which is very cool! There is just no reason for me to have a mini van. Mini vans are for people that have more than two kids. My opinion. I think that if we were to get one, it would be to much space. Don't get me wrong I would love to cart around Whitney's friends. No really I'm not kidding. I like to know what is going on and I can get the kids to spill the beans when there is more than one around. 

Back to picking out a new car. I think we are looking at a 2008 KIA Sportage. This thing is crazy loaded. I don't want to list everything it has but I have two words for you BLUE TOOTH! :D Yup, I just don't want it. Did I forget to say that I haven't had a car payment in two years for the Egg? That and I drove an EGG!! The Sportage is HUGE! Chris wants me in a safe car, my question to that is. Will it still be safe if I hit things because what I am driving is so HUGE? Yeah I know you didn't think about that, did ya?

Wish me luck on picking out the right car/SUV. With everything else that is going on in my life right now, picking out another car was not on my list of things to do. 

THANK YOU!

I just want to stop and say Thanks to everyone in my life. I really am blessed to have all of you around me. I know sometimes life just keeps moving and we forget to say thank you. So this is my chance, before life gets to busy again.

To my husband, Chris. Thank you for not letting me go down the dark hole when I found out about my Mom. I know I need to keep going and be there for you and the girls. Thank you for picking up the slack, when I just don't feel like it. Thank you for cooking, and doing the laundry. Thank you for being my husband and not giving up on us. I know that the road has been long, but it still is going. Sometimes we need to stop for directions and keep going. I am grateful to God for bringing you into my life. I am grateful that you are the father to my girls. I LOVE YOU!

To my sister, Candi. Thank you for being the oldest! I wouldn't be able to shoulder all that you do. I know that you struggle with it sometimes. You are a wonderful example of how people should be. You are loving and caring and give a lot of yourself. Thank you for being a great blue print. I wouldn't want anyone else for my sister! I LOVE YOU!

To my friends. I did not know how I was going to go on after the fire. I lost a close friend and without that loss I would not have found all my new friends. Thank you to the friends that have known me for a long time and thank you to the ones that have only known me for a short time. I have learned so much from all of you. If I am having a bad day I can call on you to be a shoulder. You have had us over, brought me caffeine, offered soup, given me booze and so much more than I can list. You have prayed, and continued to, for me and my family in our season of need. For that I will never be able to say thank you enough. I LOVE YOU ALL!

I am thankful for the people that have adopted us as members of their family. I don't think you will ever know how much we needed you. Thank you for opening your home to us and welcoming us. WE LOVE YOU!

It's a big deal to me to have each and everyone of you in my life. I feel very special. I think that sometimes I have become a "taker" in life and I am sorry for that. I really want to tell you all how grateful I am for all of you.

To my Mom, the most important person, thank you for having me. For giving me food and a home. For giving me, Candi and Doug all that you could. I love you and I am forever grateful for you. You have been the one I talk to about anything and everything. I will take every moment we have together and hold them close to my heart. I will never know how lucky I have been to have you as my Mommy. I LOVE YOU, the most!  

I LOVE Garage Sales!

I have found garage sale sites on Facebook and 

                         

                             I LOVE THEM!

 So many things to look at and so little time to post interested! I have gotten clothes for my girls, a toy box, gifts for friends, home decor, and kitchen items. I even got a lot of my Christmas list from the garage sale sites. 

My most favorite item that I got was a Pyrex 1 quart GREEN casserole dish!! I LOVE it! The first time I got to use it, it was for veggies. Second time was for taco meat. It held a pound and a half of it. I have a small kitchen table for four people so space on the table is at a premium. The Pyrex takes up half the space the skillet did. (Insert happy dance here!) I can not wait to see what else I can put in it! What will be my favorite? 

 Gosh so many options....

My love of Pyrex started many years ago when my sister got married. They got white Pyrex with lids, I can't remember if it was a wedding gift or something they had just picked up. I always thought that's what married people do. They have matching dishes, a full set of Tupperware and really nice serving dishes!! I know silly but I didn't have a lot of examples of what marriage looked like or how it was supposed to be. My sister and brother in law became my blue print. They both worked, Michael would cook and they told each other EVERYTHING. When Chris and I would fight, they would help us see each others point of view. I owe a lot of years of marriage to them. Now years later, Candi and I joke that we both marriage each other. She is so much like Chris it really isn't funny. On the other hand I guess Michael and I are quiet a bit alike. Just last night Christmas Eve Candi said, "I married my sister". I few minutes later Michael said, "Wait, What?" LOL, I am so blessed to have them as real life examples of what marriage is. 

Thank You Candi and Michael.

Holiday Heartbreak

Hello Friends. 

  It's been a while.
  I needed a break. 

   Like everyone that has lost anyone close to you, the holidays are really the hardest. I think that I'm having a really hard time due to my Mom being in the hospital.  She has been in there since June. Well has been to lets see, five different places in that time period. With the bulk of the time being in a place that Avery could not go and see her. My Mom has been doing better then had to be taken back to the hospital twice. She is there now. When she went back into the hospital the first time, it was so hard on me. I thought that she was doing so much better. Then a set back. This whole thing started with an infection in her mouth that traveled into her jaw. She has since had all of her bottom teeth removed, and reminds me so much of my Gram. I miss my Mom. She wasn't the greatest Mom ever, she did the best she could. In the last few years we have really become close. I miss talking to her on the phone. She would come up and stay with my family and I for the weekend. Avery and her got to be really close. She has missed out on my sister's birthday, my brother-in-laws birthday. The kids going back to school. Chris's birthday, my birthday, Her birthday, Thanksgiving, and now Christmas. She is just so young, it breaks my heart to even think that this could be the road to the end. I pray that she gets better. That it's just going to take a while, but like a lot of things in my life I don't want to wait. I want it to happen now!! I want the Mom that I talked to almost everyday. The one that wouldn't drive at night, in rain, or snow. The Mom that wore sweatshirts two or three times to big for her body. The one I could see over her head because she was shrinking. I feel like the little kid the morning of Christmas, looking forward to unwrapping my presents. All I want is to have my Mom here with a bow on her head. The only present I want. 

If you pray, please pray for God's will to be done. 

I love you and miss you Mom. Please get better soon. 

Last year, my Mom and Avery. Best Buddies.