Today I'm Sad.

Tomorrow it will be two years since my Mom passed away. 

I can say that it doesn't feel like it's be two years but it does. 

Two very long years that I haven't been able to talk to her. 

To see her. 

To hear her. 

To touch her. 

I talk to her. When I'm by myself. I know to some it might be weird. I ask her about things that are going on in my life. What she thinks about them. Or if she knew all along that things were going to happen the way they did. I tell her about the people I have in my life and how grateful I am for all of them. I tell her about the new people, people that she didn't get to meet. I tell her about the people that she had met. I tell her about work. I tell her about the girls and ask for guidance. I tell her that I miss her. That's normally when I have to stop talking to her because the pain of her being gone overwhelms me. 

I think about her all the time, but I find myself thinking about her multiple times a day around the anniversary of her death. I was walking down one of the aisles at work and my eyes just caught the label on a bag of candy. JuJu bees. These were not even her favorite candy. She liked Dots, or Juciyfruit better. The JuJu bees remind me of a time we went camping and she let me get them. I just smiled to myself and said, 

"I miss you too Mom" 

I see her so much in Avery. Sometimes it catches me off guard. She could be sleeping, watching something on the TV or something she says. Avery will sometimes just bring my Mom up in conversation. It's been a while so I don't remember the last time she did say something. Whitney will just look at me. I think she is checking to see if I'm ok. I will be my love, I will be. Not tomorrow or the next day, but there will be a day that the pain doesn't make me want to curl up in a ball. There will come a day that I will be at peace knowing that I will see her again. That day is not today. 

Today I am sad.  

Oh my gosh, can you imagine how short she would be next to my nephew Nick?? The one I call Gigantor. :)

January 4, 2015

The day he moved out, a little. 

He is no longer going to be here everyday and every night. I'm supposed to be happy right? This was supposed to have happened months ago. I was ready then, not now. That morning started off good. We talked and came to a better understanding of what has happened in the last week that has brought us to this point. He got the suitcase from downstairs and started to fill it. Avery had a lot of questions. She also wanted to help him pick out what clothes went with him to his friends house. He went to drop stuff off and then came back. I had to work that night and he offered to take me. Which I accepted. He picked me up and brought me home. He came in, and checked on the girls. We talked for a little bit. 

Then he kissed my forehead, 

walked to the door, 

opened it 
said "bye" 
and 

walked out.
Closing the door behind him. 

Good Bye 2014!!

Wouldn't be wonderful if you could truly close the door to 2014 and open the door to 2015, with a fresh start. To walk through and everything is wonderful. Wouldn't it be wonderful to not remember all the hurts and disappointments? That you could start with a brand new you? That this would be the beginning of the rest of your life? Well what if that life can't start yet? What if you are stuck dealing with 2014 for a while still? 

New Years was never a big deal for me. Now don't get me wrong, going to NYC on new years is on the bucket list. To be there with the high school girlfriends or someone special that I could give that special new year kiss to. I read something about how you should kiss the person you love. You should start the kiss before the end of the year and continue until the ball drops so it can be the perfect ending and beginning of the years. (I think that I threw up a little.) When I was younger I loved staying up to watch all the music acts on Dick Clark's New Years show. We would flip between New York and Chicago TV stations. Once the new year hit New York, we normally went to bed. I don't know if we thought, well ok nothing bad happened in New York so we are good to go to bed. Or just that the Chicago stations didn't have anyone else good on after that. 

What about all the good that happened in 2014? There was good that happened in 2014 I'm sure of it. If given the time and proper tools I could get a list together for you! So do we have the cheesy new years resolution? I vow to get to the gym, to lose weight, to focus on me, to eat more chocolate, to being a better parent, to read more books, watch less TV. To eat better, to go to bed earlier. Oh to be a better friend, or to see my friends more. The thing that I've been seeing a lot of is the mason jar with the little papers in it. "Everyday write something you are grateful for then next year read them all" Oy! Can I get 365 pieces of paper right now so I can just write down, thank you God for letting me wake up and try this life thing again? Because I think that's what it's coming down to with me. Tomorrow is not promised and just like in 2014, there are going to be days in 2015 that suck! 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to make fun of the resolutions. I just know that the statistics say that within the first two weeks people have either stopped doing what they said they were going to do or having even started. So tell me what is the big deal? Am I missing something? Shouldn't we just do the thing, insert resolution here, starting now and not wait for the new year? A friend told me that just because it was someones birthday they shouldn't have to kick up notch the making them feel special that one day. They should be made to feel special everyday. 

So to 2014 I say suck it! 2015, please be gentle. 

Day 74

All day I'm fighting to stay away. I am sick and I think that if I could just get a nap, I know this is the day that I will start to feel better. I just know it!! So I fall asleep on the couch, to then be woken up a number of times because my girls are home. They need me to feed them. It's not really fair to them that I'm sick and well depressed. So I read chapter two to Avery. I talk to Whitney about a crappy friend. I read my book four and continue to fight the head nod. Then bedtime finally comes around and I fall asleep on the couch that is now my ex-husband's bed. He is pissed at me so I get woken up to be told he wants to go to bed. I grab my stuff, kiss Whitney on the head as I pass and shuffle off to what used to be our room. I fall into bed and fall right to sleep. 
No dreams, thank goodness.

Then it's 12:15AM and I'm awake. I check Facebook, I check email. I go out into the living room to get my laptop to then check Facebook and email again. I think about reading more of book four. Then I think about the day. Think about this morning. I think, and think and think. Instead of the anger I felt and still kind of do, the sadness rushes in. 

The hurt, the pain. 
The unease, the uncertainty. 
Self doubt and insecurities. 

The nagging thoughts that make me just want to run away. When will this go away? When will I feel better? Will it get harder? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? God doesn't give you more than you can handle? There is a lesson to be learned in all of this, I just might have to wait to see what it was. 

Ten years from now would you want to be the same person you are right now? NO!! Then why fear change? 

Right? Light bulb moment right? 

Knowing that still doesn't help me. Knowing that still doesn't hug me, hold my hand, kiss me good night or good morning. I still feel like this little girl that is begging to be loved. Why don't you love me? Please love me. I am damaged goods and I don't know if I will ever get to the point of being able to love again. To trust again. To not question. 

The minutes pass by and I breathe. In and then out. Just breathe. It feels like I am drowning, but I'm just sitting in my bed. My stomach makes a noise. I'm hungry. I don't think that I ate dinner. 

Life moves on. 

I Might Be Sick

Sick with the Ba Hum Bug.

No amount of Christmas music or Christmas lights are getting me in the mood for Christmas. We have had very little snow. So little that I was able to go for a run this week. (I did pretty good seeing as I haven't gotten a run in for a couple months) The Christmas totes got brought up on Thanksgiving maybe the day before. They are still in the living room, mostly full. My Whitney, the one that LOVES Christmas isn't feeling it either. Although she has her own personal snow flurry going in her room. Yup that was a Frozen reference. LOL! 

Is it weird that going in there makes me cold?

She even has them hanging from her door. 

Oy, where is my Christmas spirit? I'm just not in the mood for any of it. Decorating, watching Christmas movies, shopping or baking. Well ok that last one I never feel like doing! Here we are only five days away from Christmas. I just heard on the radio that it's going to be insane at the stores today because it's the last Saturday before the holiday. So there is no way I'm going shopping today! 

This just happened. 

Avery, "Can we make gingerbread cookies for Santa?"
Me, "I think we should just make some sugar cookies"
Avery, "Can we just make one? I want to see if it will run away."
Me, "LOL" 

My Avery has made ornaments for the tree, wrote a letter to Santa and made a present for me at school. This kid is so excited!! 

Avery's ornaments. A heart and a unicorn. :D

What is wrong with me? I really need to try to fake it or something! I read somewhere that the tradition was to decorate on Christmas Eve. That's normally when I wrap all the presents. So, maybe I can start wrapping now, and I will be in the mood to get everything done the night before. 

It will be like a Christmas miracle? 

The Best Weekend EVER... in a while

Friday started out good. 

Avery went back to school after being sent home on Thursday. I went to the grocery store, which I hate but did it anyway. I came home and napped because I had to work that night. I had called my sister earlier in the week and made plans for my niecy, Elizabeth, to come and spend the night. WITH books three and four of the series that she got me into. :D I had a wonderful conversation with a friend of mine about body image and was feeling pretty good about myself. Elizabeth got here and shortly after that I had to go to work. It was a cleaning shift which I am beginning to have fun with. I get all the cleaning done then I pick a project to do. I take everything off of the tables and clean and then put it back how I want it. Now I know I might be driving people crazy with stuff not being in the place they left it. Also who knows if it will really stay that way. It just makes me feel good. All the spices got alphabetized and binders got labeled. There is more that I did but I think those couple of things will bring the biggest impact. One of the girls that I worked with at my store came in and we went on break together. After four hours I was done and went home. Well after I got to see two of our city's wonderful police officers come in. (I LOVE MY JOB!!) 

Saturday morning, Avery woke up. 

She came into my room and we snuggled, like really snuggled for a long time. She wanted me to rub her tummy and scratch her back. Every time I would start to fall back to sleep I would feel her little hand on mine wanting me to keep me either rubbing or scratching. My Whitney woke up and came into bed with us. Shortly after that Elizabeth did also. I had all my girls in bed with me snuggling!! It was probably THE best way to start the day. We all got up and had breakfast and coffee, well Avery didn't have coffee. Whitney showed me her school newspaper. There was an article in it that she wanted me to read and talk about. (It was about the school dress code, it was supposed to be a funny story but I could hear some truth in it. I was a little upset by it. Although it was a great way to have a conversation with Whitney) Elizabeth and I got a chance to talk also. She is heading into the next week with finals. Then we just hung out the whole day. I had plans to go out with my friend Jen that night. Friday would have been 16 years married and Jen's birthday was Sunday.

So there was some drinking to be doing!!

 I picked her up around 8PM, we went for a drink after we got tickets to see a play. We had ran into a couple that we were both friends with and they saved us seats. The show was funny, ish. Jen and I both had a drink so I'm wondering how it would have been sober. :/ We went and got something to eat at one of my favorite places in the downtown area. A waiter that I've had before was there and well he remember my girl friends from high school and I from this summer. Good food, a selfie and one more drink, then home. 

Sunday, we slept in. 

Avery was up and down most of the night with still not feeling good. More coffee, and Elizabeth had to go home. I was going to go for a run. Yup you read that correctly, a RUN in December, when I live in Wisconsin!! It was in the 40's people!!! So warm! Well Whitney had other ideas. She wanted to get some of her friends Christmas gifts. So off to the store we go. We went to five different ones. By the fifth Whitney was done!! LOL. I told her that if she was around when my Gram was shopping she wouldn't be able to hang with her. That woman could shop circles around people!! We got home around six had something to eat and just hung out. I went to my room to start on book three that Elizabeth brought and next thing I know I hear Avery coughing. (it was 1AM I think) I had fallen to sleep and I don't remember reading any of the book. :/ And here I am now writing about the weekend. 

It was for the most part a GREAT weekend. Friday was a day of learning and staying true to myself. Saturday was so good for me. I love all my girls and having them all around me Saturday morning was, to say wonderful would be putting it lightly. I am truly grateful for getting the chance to mend a friendship that I helped to hurt. Then to get the chance to hang out without it being planed was cool. I know that this road right now is a hard one for me. I also know that without the support of the people in my life I wouldn't be doing as well as I am right now. I'm not where I want to be yet but I'm getting there. 

The song "Just Breathe" from Faith Hill comes to mind but the lyrics do not match my feelings right now. So I'm just going to keep repeating the "just breathe" part. :D Have a great week everyone! 

Everything Is Just So Big

 What I am talking about is my clothes. 

I know it's a great problem. I have lost weight and my clothes are to big. To the point that I'm having flashbacks to junior high and my friend getting her pants pulled down by a boy in front of a lot of people. Not a pleasant memory. Don't get me wrong after having two kids being able to pee fast is a good thing. I just don't want them to fall down on their own. That's just the bottoms, the tops are to big also. I am always moving the shirt so my bra straps are not showing. Or the "girls" (I'm talking about my boobs. Yes I could have just said that but for future reference, "girls" means boobs), are not all out for everyone to see. 

I don't have a full length mirror to really see what I look like. This is a good and a bad thing all wrapped up in one. Good because I know I have more to lose and I don't want to truly see how much. Bad because I have lost weight and I need to be happy with how I look right now. I do start to wonder if I look messy, unkempt, or even frumpy? Do I still look big because the clothes do not fit right? It could be as simple as going to get new clothes that fit. I have issue with that also. Some women like to go shopping, some hate it. I am in the hate it group. Also I'm still losing weight and I don't want to get anything to tight.

 There is a fine line between something fitting 
or it being a sausage casing, people. 

A great example of this is when I went to my friends store. I was helping her clean up her back room. She found a childern's size large tee shirt and held it up to me. I joked and said "oh that would totally fit me". The next thing I know it's getting put over my head and she is putting it on me!! Guess what, it fit. Even over my shirt that I had on that was BIG on me. Now I'm not saying it's a shirt I would wear outside, in public, around anyone that has a cell phone.....but it fit. My friend even laughed and said it's very slimming. I didn't believe her. She told me to go look in the mirror. I did and then started to laugh, she was right. Wow, I didn't look all that bad in it. The thought, I really should have stuck with that AB challenge came to mind. I was able to take it off with out to much trouble. Now that I would say was a sausage casing, with a shirt on underneath it. 

With not really knowing what I look like it's so hard to judge what size I would be in without trying everything on. Just one more example. I started a new job. We have a uniform that we have to wear. I had to buy shirts. They, of course do not have any you can try on before ordering them. I told the lady from HR what size I thought that I needed. Extra Large. She told me that I should probably go with a Large. Oh ok well she knows that the shirts look like and how they fit. I went with the large. Well the large was to big. I traded them in for MEDIUMS!! Mediums people! I have no idea the last time I was a medium. 

So when do I go buy the smaller sizes? When using a belt doesn't help anymore? When everything is now work out clothes because they cover my booty? Oh, when I can put both girls in one of my shirts together when they are being mean to one another? 

It's not cellulite it's my body's way of saying "I'm sexy" in braille.