Saturday, July 16, 2016

Life, It Moves On.

I was looking at the list of posts for this blog and all the posts that I haven't finished. Working titles like;
 A**hole Ex Husband
Being Divorced Sucks A**
This Part of Divorce I Hadn't Planned On
I'm Sitting Here Stressed Out Waiting for You to Show Up
Divorce: Feeling Guilty About What is Happening To My Girls 
The Feeling of Failure is Overwhelming Sometimes.

It's been almost two years since the divorce was final. I was really looking forward to having a healthy relationship with him when it came to the girls. I am so proud of myself for being able to do the things that he made me to scared to do. It was like shedding a really tight skin that was cutting off air. I hadn't planned on him flipping out when I started dating. Then turning it around and blaming me for him not seeing the girls. He made me feel guilty about wanting to having a life when that was what he was doing. Having a life. No responsibility to anyone but himself. 

He has taken the girls over night, twice. The longest he went, so far, was four months without seeing them. 

He has told our oldest that she is 17 now and doesn't NEED her father. 

Our youngest calls him when she wants to talk to him. She has to leave a message and he calls back later. OR sends me a text telling me, to tell her, sorry that he forgot to call back. 

If and when he does text me to tell me he wants to see the girls I tell him yes almost every time. He is really bad at making plans with our youngest and then not following through. Then she is hurt the whole day. Waiting for him to show up, for him to call or text. 

I think that she is starting to forget him though. She will be talking to me about something like her birthday. We just had her party so that's been on her mind. She told me about something that happened and asked me if I remember it. I told her that I did. She said that was a good time last year. I had to remind her that happened at her birthday party two years ago. That last year it was just me throwing her a party, that I got her, her bike. Seeing her realize that was hard to watch. 

It kills me inside to see how much they hurt. I want him in their lives. I have even gone through the thought process that maybe I shouldn't have gotten divorced. He would still be here. When I get that way our oldest will tell me that we are much better off now that he and I are divorced. Hearing that makes it better knowing that she knows how bad it was. 

If I vent about him not seeing the girls. I don't know how many people have asked, "Is he paying child support?" To which I answer "yes". Then they say, "Well at least he is doing that". WOW is that what this has come to?? As long as he pays child support he is off the hook for being a father to the kids he helped to make?? It's conversations like those that make me distance myself from people.

So this is my life now. 
Chugging along, doing life the best I can. 
I love my girls and they will never have to question that.