Thursday, September 10, 2015

Summer Time Blues

The summer is over and I am sad. Not because all of the fun stuff we got to do and now the girls are back to school. We didn't get to do anything really. Compared to last summer. Last summer was one of the best! 

We moved, the girls got their own rooms! 

The first week we were here I ran five times. 

Avery put a rock up her nose and we had to take her to the ER to get it removed, well that wasn't the greatest. 
Now it makes me giggle, a little

We got outside more. There is a park right across the street and it's really nice. 

I would sit outside, drink iced coffee, and read, in the sun!  
It was wonderful! 

We went to see the fireworks, Avery's very first time. 

My girlfriend from North Carolina came into town for a MONTH!!! We got to hang out at a family BBQ at her mom's house. Then a few of us from HS went to Chicago for the day. Then I got to go with her and her boys to a local dinosaur museum. Just us Mom's got to go for dinner and drinks. Last but not least I got to hang out with her and her oldest boy and paint pottery. 

Whitney and I went down to spend the weekend with my friend who lived in Andersonville. We got to try new restaurants and new food. Walked around the city, and got pastries from a local bakery. 
Whitney became a model and got part of her head shaved. 
I met three other ladies that are so awesome, 
I'm awesome because I know them!! 

Then I got a fun trip to the ER to find out I have a throat disease. Yippee for baby bites and eating like an otter!! lol 

Then when we thought it couldn't get any better.....

We went to the One Direction 
concert in Soldiers Field. 

Driving selfie!! Not really do you see the traffic in the background? Gotta love Chicago!

The diner in the back is where we ate before the concert. It was AWESOME! 

The girl in the back cracks me up every time I see this picture. We never did get her name....

A little over a week later it was time to become a 
Sophomore and a Kindergartner!  


That was a great summer!! 

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Stressed Out!

All I feel right now is stress. 

Stressed about so many things I don't think I could even list them all. Work, School, Money, Food, Being Happy and more. 

I have seen and heard worrying doesn't do anything but take time away from getting things done. Yet here I am worrying. Stressing out about things. I know I have things I can and should be doing, yet all I want to do is sleep. Bury my head in the sand, sing Lalalala to myself and hope and wish and pray that this is all a bad dream. That when I wake up, everything will be right again. 

I will be happy for just having a job, instead of wishing a could call in everyday. 

That school will have started, with all the supplies needed, and fees paid. 

That I don't have to live paycheck to paycheck. That I have my ER fund set up. Bills paid and vacation planned and being saved for. 

That there is food in the fridge, and cabinets, That meals are planned and I get to cook. 

That I'm happy.

I had before the fire a wooden statue of a lady with her hair sticking straight out, a crazy look on her face and on her dress it said stressed out.  If I could choose what stressed out would look like to me would be her laying on the couch sleeping. Stressed out to me isn't energy, it's the lack of. It's the weight of the world on my shoulders feeling. The doubt that I am doing anything right. 

Maybe there is something wrong with me? Or could it just be that I work third shift, have no support from the ex-husband when it comes to the girls, and everything is on me. I don't get to have fun. Fun to me, at this point. Is coming home to a clean home. No dishes in the sink. Laundry done. I get to cook for my girls. I get to talk to them and find out that they are doing alright. 

What did Kermit say? It's not easy being green. Well it's not easy being a single mom of two, that works full time and still doesn't make enough to pay the bills. 

For now I sleep and pray that I have enough energy to get things done tomorrow so I can worry less. 

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Just Stick With Me

Listen people, I'm not perfect. I have issues. 

Basically I am a pretty good person. I love people, I smile a lot and I try to make people laugh where ever I go. When I go into work I like to know people look forward to working with me because I'm fun and bring good energy to the place.  

Life has however just thrown me a curve ball. I have been given really bad news that is going to change how my and my girls lives look from now on. (no one is sick, I promise) I know that I will get through this, but it just happened. There are going to be days that I don't feel like being happy, counting carbs or making any sense. There are going to be days that I want to curl up in a ball and cry and eat what ever I want. 

Just stick with me. 

I will get back to the "fun, happy" Kim. I will be that "hey it's beautiful out let's open the windows and listen to One Direction really loud" Kim again.  I will not let this get me down for long. But people, I'm down now. Really down, and stressed and scared. God has a plan and He is keeping it close to the chest. I don't know what tomorrow or the next day looks like. 

So I'm going to grab happiness where I can get it!! 

I am grateful to have a few really wonderful, amazing people in my life that I lean on to vent and help with action plans. OK, ok and to whine to. OH and to buy pigs together! I don't have all the answers and the action plans do not always work. I have though, morning time with my Avery, before work time with my Whitney. Along with many other things. 

So if you see me and I'm not smiling, know it's temporary. 
Come up to me and say Hi!
I promise I will not bite....unless I'm hungry. 
Then I'm not promising anything!! 

Thursday, June 4, 2015

What Did You Just Call Me?

Would you ever let a boyfriend call you a *itch? 

Maybe I should rephrase that, would you ever be ok with your boyfriend calling you a *itch, even joking around? What if you're the boyfriend, would you ever call your girlfriend that? If you do/did, why? 

Why, out of all the things you can say to a woman, you choose that word?

Years ago I was with a friend, her boyfriend and boyfriends friend. Double date, no, well maybe, but NO! Anyway, my friends boyfriend was being a jerk to her. I was standing up for her and he called me a *itch. I told his friend to pull over I was getting out. That no one calls me that. I didn't know where we were but I didn't care. I would have called someone to pick me up. That didn't happen, I stayed in the car, they dropped me off first. I stopped talking to my friends boyfriend for months. I never went out with the two of them for just as long if not longer, and I would drive. Years later the boyfriend became my friends husband. He brought it up one day. Asking me if I remembered it and I told him yes. He asked would I have really gotten out of the car? Yes, yes I would have. He never called me that, at least to my face, after that first time.  Now I know that's not really the same situation from your boyfriend calling you one just joking around. I still feel the same way though. 

I just don't think that its something you say to the person you are in a relationship with. The person you like, or even love. You don't use words like that, even joking around. It's disrespectful. What happens when you two fight and those type of words come into it? Then is it different? What makes it different? Because they are said in anger? I feel if you are going to use that type of language in everyday conversation when what is going to keep you from calling each other names when fighting?

Friday, May 29, 2015

10 More Days!!

All year long I have tried to get Avery into the habit of getting dressed then coming out to eat breakfast while I make her lunch. Once breakfast is done, then it's to the bathroom to do her hair and brush her teeth. Afterwards, socks and shoes. Back pack is already packed from the night before and waiting by the door. So is the coat and shoes. 

This is NOT what happens!! 

She wants breakfast as soon as she gets up. I pour the milk over the cereal and THEN she has to go potty. She gets back and the cereal is soggy. I still make her eat some of it. She then needs to go get dressed in the clothes she picked out the night before. BUT wait for it....she forgot, OR she doesn't have a shirt or pants to go with what ever she did pick out. OY! So now I have to help her pick something. Which she doesn't like and WW3 happens. I walk away before, well, before I can remember where I put the duck tape! I start to make her lunch only to realize I don't have her lunch bag. ME, "Avery where is your lunch bag? AVERY, "I don't know" ME, "AUGH!".  I find it and have to throw out food because she didn't eat everything. And where in the world is her water bottle?? I ask her, she doesn't know where that is either. Shocker right? So I look for it and find it, not in the fridge. We are finally dressed, now lets get teeth brushed and hair combed. I put to much tooth paste on the tooth brush so she rinses most of it off. Brushes about three times and is done. Then I'm pulling her hair. "Head up, Avery. But Mommy the lights hurt my eyes. Then close them child!" She wants two braids but we only have time for one. 

Socks and shoes time. 
"Avery, are those the socks from yesterday? 
Avery go get clean socks on! We are going to be late!
I can't find any. 
(As I'm walking away to go into her room) 
Girl!! We should be in the car right now and you can't find any clean socks!!" 
Which I found in her dresser drawer! 

We finally get out the door and she walks like she is walking thru syrup. I have to put my hand on her back to even get her to the car. I don't know how many times she has almost gotten her head hit by the door because she isn't paying attention. (or how many times it has been hit.....) 

We get into the car and she has finally started to buckle herself. Yes I know, it took her long enough! We drive to school and she will call out Toaster!! That's what we call KIA Soul's. We get to school and I tell her, I love her, not to eat her friends and to show them what shes got. Now that I typed that out, I am so glad I never got a phone call about her flashing kids in school!! 

I drive back and come into the apartment to the smell of coffee and dirty dishes. AH! Home. 

10 more days of school people. Then it's summer!! 
Stay tuned for the "oh my gosh, when is summer over rant!"   

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Today I'm Sad.

Tomorrow it will be two years since my Mom passed away. 
I can say that it doesn't feel like it's be two years but it does. 
Two very long years that I haven't been able to talk to her. 

To see her. 
To hear her. 
To touch her. 

I talk to her. When I'm by myself. I know to some it might be weird. I ask her about things that are going on in my life. What she thinks about them. Or if she knew all along that things were going to happen the way they did. I tell her about the people I have in my life and how grateful I am for all of them. I tell her about the new people, people that she didn't get to meet. I tell her about the people that she had met. I tell her about work. I tell her about the girls and ask for guidance. I tell her that I miss her. That's normally when I have to stop talking to her because the pain of her being gone overwhelms me. 

I think about her all the time, but I find myself thinking about her multiple times a day around the anniversary of her death. I was walking down one of the aisles at work and my eyes just caught the label on a bag of candy. JuJu bees. These were not even her favorite candy. She liked Dots, or Juciyfruit better. The JuJu bees remind me of a time we went camping and she let me get them. I just smiled to myself and said, 

"I miss you too Mom" 

I see her so much in Avery. Sometimes it catches me off guard. She could be sleeping, watching something on the TV or something she says. Avery will sometimes just bring my Mom up in conversation. It's been a while so I don't remember the last time she did say something. Whitney will just look at me. I think she is checking to see if I'm ok. I will be my love, I will be. Not tomorrow or the next day, but there will be a day that the pain doesn't make me want to curl up in a ball. There will come a day that I will be at peace knowing that I will see her again. That day is not today. 

Today I am sad.  

Oh my gosh, can you imagine how short she would be next to my nephew Nick?? The one I call Gigantor. :)

Friday, January 16, 2015

January 4, 2015

The day he moved out, a little. 

He is no longer going to be here everyday and every night. I'm supposed to be happy right? This was supposed to have happened months ago. I was ready then, not now. That morning started off good. We talked and came to a better understanding of what has happened in the last week that has brought us to this point. He got the suitcase from downstairs and started to fill it. Avery had a lot of questions. She also wanted to help him pick out what clothes went with him to his friends house. He went to drop stuff off and then came back. I had to work that night and he offered to take me. Which I accepted. He picked me up and brought me home. He came in, and checked on the girls. We talked for a little bit. 
Then he kissed my forehead, 
walked to the door, 
opened it 
said "bye" 
walked out.
Closing the door behind him.