Wednesday, February 27, 2013


I wish I could say that with happiness in my voice, but I can't. Whitney is home from school and is crabby about it. She wants to see her friends. So I told her that was fine. Though no one is coming over until our home is cleaned up. It's not trashed like it normally is after I am sick. I have been trying to keep up with it. I'm still a little sick, I don't think I have a fever but my stomach isn't feeling the best. So we need to get dressed, the dishes need to be washed, the bathroom needs to be cleaned and beds need to be made. Well Whitney just gave me a look like, "well if dishes need to be cleaned, why are you on the computer?" This is where she is lucky the computer is in the way of me getting up and beating her. It is not my job to wash all of the dishes and she needs to help around here. I don't want to have anyone over now. I would love to just leave her home with her sister and go run the errands I need to run. Why don't I just do that? I don't know. Last year she had a very bad few days at school and she got in trouble for not getting home in the time she said she was going to. The next day Chris and I woke up to her being gone. She ran away. That was one of the hardest days in my life. Chris found her, but that was only after I call the police and tried calling a couple other people. So now I guess I am a little scared to push her to much. On the other hand I just want to shake her. Who does she think she is? She is a part of this family and she needs to help out. Now more that she wants her friends to come over. Why is that something that is so hard to understand? This is a lesson that has been so hard for her to learn. Cause and Effect. I am one to follow through, so what am I doing wrong? She is dressed and has done some of the dishes. 

Now for the three year old!! She is driving me nuts also. Jumping on the couch and not listening. I am getting very sick of telling her no over and over again. Why do children have to push buttons? 

By the way, I have never hit my girls. The thought is enough to calm me down. Yes I yell, but never, ever hit. I just wanted that to be clear just in case someone reads this and thinks something crazy. 
Thanks for letting me vent, now onto the rest of the day. Yippee!!

Saturday, February 9, 2013

It's Been a Week

The sadness is just below the surface, it's been one week since my Mom's Memorial. Not much has changed, other than not going to see her in the nursing home or hospital. Not picking out pictures for the DVD, or the memory boards. Cleaning and putting away everything I used for the Memorial. Still having the metal box we used to hold Mom's ashes during the service. Her favorite flowers in almost every room of my home. 
Not much has changed, but a little has. 

I was window shopping online the other day and found a long sleeve shirt for Avery that said Auntie Auntie Auntie it was pink. I clicked on the picture to pull up the other colors, the purple one said Nana Nana Nana. That took me by surprise. 

 I think that I was having Whitney text someone for me while I was driving. I asked her to put a smiley face in it. She said she would that she has a button that pulls all of the smiles up. That of all things made me cry. My Mom couldn't figure out how to turn on speaker on her cell phone and Whitney has a button for smileys. I still have her information in my cell phone, on the wall by the home phone and in my address book. 
I just don't have the energy to erase them. 

I keep thinking about calling her. I haven't been able to talk to her on the phone for months but now all I can think about is doing just that. I know maybe if I did erase her information then maybe I wouldn't be thinking about calling her. 
That wouldn't matter, I knew her number by heart. 

I thought that Avery was going to have a really hard time last week. I had been telling her the whole week before that we were going to go to a different church on Saturday. One that doesn't have all of her friends from our church but that she would met new friends. I told her that we had to pick up flowers for church, that they were Nana's favorite. She started saying that we needed to bring Nana flowers. 
I worried that she thought she was going to see my Mom. 

I still need to pick something out to put some of her ashes in. Then bury the rest of her. Maybe then the hurting will be bad again, right now it's just below the surface.