Saturday, July 16, 2016

Life, It Moves On.


I was looking at the list of posts for this blog and all the posts that I haven't finished. Working titles like;
 A**hole Ex Husband
Being Divorced Sucks A**
This Part of Divorce I Hadn't Planned On
I'm Sitting Here Stressed Out Waiting for You to Show Up
Divorce: Feeling Guilty About What is Happening To My Girls 
The Feeling of Failure is Overwhelming Sometimes.

It's been almost two years since the divorce was final. I was really looking forward to having a healthy relationship with him when it came to the girls. I am so proud of myself for being able to do the things that he made me to scared to do. It was like shedding a really tight skin that was cutting off air. I hadn't planned on him flipping out when I started dating. Then turning it around and blaming me for him not seeing the girls. He made me feel guilty about wanting to having a life when that was what he was doing. Having a life. No responsibility to anyone but himself. 


He has taken the girls over night, twice. The longest he went, so far, was four months without seeing them. 

He has told our oldest that she is 17 now and doesn't NEED her father. 

Our youngest calls him when she wants to talk to him. She has to leave a message and he calls back later. OR sends me a text telling me, to tell her, sorry that he forgot to call back. 

If and when he does text me to tell me he wants to see the girls I tell him yes almost every time. He is really bad at making plans with our youngest and then not following through. Then she is hurt the whole day. Waiting for him to show up, for him to call or text. 

I think that she is starting to forget him though. She will be talking to me about something like her birthday. We just had her party so that's been on her mind. She told me about something that happened and asked me if I remember it. I told her that I did. She said that was a good time last year. I had to remind her that happened at her birthday party two years ago. That last year it was just me throwing her a party, that I got her, her bike. Seeing her realize that was hard to watch. 

It kills me inside to see how much they hurt. I want him in their lives. I have even gone through the thought process that maybe I shouldn't have gotten divorced. He would still be here. When I get that way our oldest will tell me that we are much better off now that he and I are divorced. Hearing that makes it better knowing that she knows how bad it was. 

If I vent about him not seeing the girls. I don't know how many people have asked, "Is he paying child support?" To which I answer "yes". Then they say, "Well at least he is doing that". WOW is that what this has come to?? As long as he pays child support he is off the hook for being a father to the kids he helped to make?? It's conversations like those that make me distance myself from people.

So this is my life now. 
Chugging along, doing life the best I can. 
I love my girls and they will never have to question that.










Thursday, September 10, 2015

Summer Time Blues

The summer is over and I am sad. Not because all of the fun stuff we got to do and now the girls are back to school. We didn't get to do anything really. Compared to last summer. Last summer was one of the best! 


We moved, the girls got their own rooms! 


The first week we were here I ran five times. 


Avery put a rock up her nose and we had to take her to the ER to get it removed, well that wasn't the greatest. 
Now it makes me giggle, a little


We got outside more. There is a park right across the street and it's really nice. 


I would sit outside, drink iced coffee, and read, in the sun!  
It was wonderful! 


We went to see the fireworks, Avery's very first time. 




My girlfriend from North Carolina came into town for a MONTH!!! We got to hang out at a family BBQ at her mom's house. Then a few of us from HS went to Chicago for the day. Then I got to go with her and her boys to a local dinosaur museum. Just us Mom's got to go for dinner and drinks. Last but not least I got to hang out with her and her oldest boy and paint pottery. 













Whitney and I went down to spend the weekend with my friend who lived in Andersonville. We got to try new restaurants and new food. Walked around the city, and got pastries from a local bakery. 
Whitney became a model and got part of her head shaved. 
I met three other ladies that are so awesome, 
I'm awesome because I know them!! 
















Then I got a fun trip to the ER to find out I have a throat disease. Yippee for baby bites and eating like an otter!! lol 



Then when we thought it couldn't get any better.....


We went to the One Direction 
concert in Soldiers Field. 
OH MY GOSH!!! 

Driving selfie!! Not really do you see the traffic in the background? Gotta love Chicago!

The diner in the back is where we ate before the concert. It was AWESOME! 


The girl in the back cracks me up every time I see this picture. We never did get her name....



A little over a week later it was time to become a 
Sophomore and a Kindergartner!  

 















That was a great summer!! 



Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Stressed Out!

All I feel right now is stress. 

Stressed about so many things I don't think I could even list them all. Work, School, Money, Food, Being Happy and more. 

I have seen and heard worrying doesn't do anything but take time away from getting things done. Yet here I am worrying. Stressing out about things. I know I have things I can and should be doing, yet all I want to do is sleep. Bury my head in the sand, sing Lalalala to myself and hope and wish and pray that this is all a bad dream. That when I wake up, everything will be right again. 

I will be happy for just having a job, instead of wishing a could call in everyday. 

That school will have started, with all the supplies needed, and fees paid. 

That I don't have to live paycheck to paycheck. That I have my ER fund set up. Bills paid and vacation planned and being saved for. 

That there is food in the fridge, and cabinets, That meals are planned and I get to cook. 

That I'm happy.

I had before the fire a wooden statue of a lady with her hair sticking straight out, a crazy look on her face and on her dress it said stressed out.  If I could choose what stressed out would look like to me would be her laying on the couch sleeping. Stressed out to me isn't energy, it's the lack of. It's the weight of the world on my shoulders feeling. The doubt that I am doing anything right. 

Maybe there is something wrong with me? Or could it just be that I work third shift, have no support from the ex-husband when it comes to the girls, and everything is on me. I don't get to have fun. Fun to me, at this point. Is coming home to a clean home. No dishes in the sink. Laundry done. I get to cook for my girls. I get to talk to them and find out that they are doing alright. 

What did Kermit say? It's not easy being green. Well it's not easy being a single mom of two, that works full time and still doesn't make enough to pay the bills. 

For now I sleep and pray that I have enough energy to get things done tomorrow so I can worry less. 


Thursday, August 6, 2015

Just Stick With Me

Listen people, I'm not perfect. I have issues. 

Basically I am a pretty good person. I love people, I smile a lot and I try to make people laugh where ever I go. When I go into work I like to know people look forward to working with me because I'm fun and bring good energy to the place.  

Life has however just thrown me a curve ball. I have been given really bad news that is going to change how my and my girls lives look from now on. (no one is sick, I promise) I know that I will get through this, but it just happened. There are going to be days that I don't feel like being happy, counting carbs or making any sense. There are going to be days that I want to curl up in a ball and cry and eat what ever I want. 


Just stick with me. 

I will get back to the "fun, happy" Kim. I will be that "hey it's beautiful out let's open the windows and listen to One Direction really loud" Kim again.  I will not let this get me down for long. But people, I'm down now. Really down, and stressed and scared. God has a plan and He is keeping it close to the chest. I don't know what tomorrow or the next day looks like. 


So I'm going to grab happiness where I can get it!! 

I am grateful to have a few really wonderful, amazing people in my life that I lean on to vent and help with action plans. OK, ok and to whine to. OH and to buy pigs together! I don't have all the answers and the action plans do not always work. I have though, morning time with my Avery, before work time with my Whitney. Along with many other things. 


So if you see me and I'm not smiling, know it's temporary. 
Come up to me and say Hi!
I promise I will not bite....unless I'm hungry. 
Then I'm not promising anything!! 

Saturday, July 4, 2015

DIY Cleaner

I'm going to just guess that you have seen the shower cleaner that uses blue Dawn and vinegar? If you have ever been on Pinterest longer than 20 minutes you probably have seen it. 



Last night I finally made it. I put the vinegar in a pot on the stove to heat it up, about 1/2 cup. Soon after Whitney asked me what I was doing with it. I guess it smelled to her. lol. I poured it into a spray bottle. Note to self, let it cool a while longer before doing this. I put and equal amount of blue Dawn in the bottle and mixed. To me, smelled good. I couldn't wait to use it. 

Whitney got into the shower before I could. So I had to wait...... 

I sprayed the whole shower and let it sit for about 30 minutes. 

BEFORE

AFTER
Not much of a difference to me.
BEFORE

AFTER

BEFORE

AFTER

This was kinda cool and gross all at the same time.
I don't even know if it really shows up in the picture either.
The bottom of the tube looks like a fish fossil.  

After seeing the grout lines, I had to go in with a tooth brush and clean them again.
They are much better now!

I really wanted something that was going to get rid of the what is it, black mold? around the top of the tub. I don't even know if I can get rid of it without redoing all of the caulking. I will say this it was quick and easy. I have enough in the spray bottle to do it a couple more times. For it only costing me a few pennies to make. I will use it again and again. 





Thursday, June 4, 2015

What Did You Just Call Me?

Would you ever let a boyfriend call you a *itch? 

Maybe I should rephrase that, would you ever be ok with your boyfriend calling you a *itch, even joking around? What if you're the boyfriend, would you ever call your girlfriend that? If you do/did, why? 

Why, out of all the things you can say to a woman, you choose that word?

Years ago I was with a friend, her boyfriend and boyfriends friend. Double date, no, well maybe, but NO! Anyway, my friends boyfriend was being a jerk to her. I was standing up for her and he called me a *itch. I told his friend to pull over I was getting out. That no one calls me that. I didn't know where we were but I didn't care. I would have called someone to pick me up. That didn't happen, I stayed in the car, they dropped me off first. I stopped talking to my friends boyfriend for months. I never went out with the two of them for just as long if not longer, and I would drive. Years later the boyfriend became my friends husband. He brought it up one day. Asking me if I remembered it and I told him yes. He asked would I have really gotten out of the car? Yes, yes I would have. He never called me that, at least to my face, after that first time.  Now I know that's not really the same situation from your boyfriend calling you one just joking around. I still feel the same way though. 

I just don't think that its something you say to the person you are in a relationship with. The person you like, or even love. You don't use words like that, even joking around. It's disrespectful. What happens when you two fight and those type of words come into it? Then is it different? What makes it different? Because they are said in anger? I feel if you are going to use that type of language in everyday conversation when what is going to keep you from calling each other names when fighting?


Friday, May 29, 2015

10 More Days!!

All year long I have tried to get Avery into the habit of getting dressed then coming out to eat breakfast while I make her lunch. Once breakfast is done, then it's to the bathroom to do her hair and brush her teeth. Afterwards, socks and shoes. Back pack is already packed from the night before and waiting by the door. So is the coat and shoes. 

This is NOT what happens!! 

She wants breakfast as soon as she gets up. I pour the milk over the cereal and THEN she has to go potty. She gets back and the cereal is soggy. I still make her eat some of it. She then needs to go get dressed in the clothes she picked out the night before. BUT wait for it....she forgot, OR she doesn't have a shirt or pants to go with what ever she did pick out. OY! So now I have to help her pick something. Which she doesn't like and WW3 happens. I walk away before, well, before I can remember where I put the duck tape! I start to make her lunch only to realize I don't have her lunch bag. ME, "Avery where is your lunch bag? AVERY, "I don't know" ME, "AUGH!".  I find it and have to throw out food because she didn't eat everything. And where in the world is her water bottle?? I ask her, she doesn't know where that is either. Shocker right? So I look for it and find it, not in the fridge. We are finally dressed, now lets get teeth brushed and hair combed. I put to much tooth paste on the tooth brush so she rinses most of it off. Brushes about three times and is done. Then I'm pulling her hair. "Head up, Avery. But Mommy the lights hurt my eyes. Then close them child!" She wants two braids but we only have time for one. 

Socks and shoes time. 
"Avery, are those the socks from yesterday? 
Yes.
Avery go get clean socks on! We are going to be late!
I can't find any. 
(As I'm walking away to go into her room) 
Girl!! We should be in the car right now and you can't find any clean socks!!" 
Which I found in her dresser drawer! 

We finally get out the door and she walks like she is walking thru syrup. I have to put my hand on her back to even get her to the car. I don't know how many times she has almost gotten her head hit by the door because she isn't paying attention. (or how many times it has been hit.....) 

We get into the car and she has finally started to buckle herself. Yes I know, it took her long enough! We drive to school and she will call out Toaster!! That's what we call KIA Soul's. We get to school and I tell her, I love her, not to eat her friends and to show them what shes got. Now that I typed that out, I am so glad I never got a phone call about her flashing kids in school!! 

I drive back and come into the apartment to the smell of coffee and dirty dishes. AH! Home. 

10 more days of school people. Then it's summer!! 
Stay tuned for the "oh my gosh, when is summer over rant!"