All I feel right now is stress.
Stressed about so many things I don't think I could even list them all. Work, School, Money, Food, Being Happy and more.
I have seen and heard worrying doesn't do anything but take time away from getting things done. Yet here I am worrying. Stressing out about things. I know I have things I can and should be doing, yet all I want to do is sleep. Bury my head in the sand, sing Lalalala to myself and hope and wish and pray that this is all a bad dream. That when I wake up, everything will be right again.
I will be happy for just having a job, instead of wishing a could call in everyday.
That school will have started, with all the supplies needed, and fees paid.
That I don't have to live paycheck to paycheck. That I have my ER fund set up. Bills paid and vacation planned and being saved for.
That there is food in the fridge, and cabinets, That meals are planned and I get to cook.
That I'm happy.
I had before the fire a wooden statue of a lady with her hair sticking straight out, a crazy look on her face and on her dress it said stressed out. If I could choose what stressed out would look like to me would be her laying on the couch sleeping. Stressed out to me isn't energy, it's the lack of. It's the weight of the world on my shoulders feeling. The doubt that I am doing anything right.
Maybe there is something wrong with me? Or could it just be that I work third shift, have no support from the ex-husband when it comes to the girls, and everything is on me. I don't get to have fun. Fun to me, at this point. Is coming home to a clean home. No dishes in the sink. Laundry done. I get to cook for my girls. I get to talk to them and find out that they are doing alright.
What did Kermit say? It's not easy being green. Well it's not easy being a single mom of two, that works full time and still doesn't make enough to pay the bills.
For now I sleep and pray that I have enough energy to get things done tomorrow so I can worry less.