Thursday, May 16, 2013

It Washes Over Me

Sometimes the grief of losing my Mom washes over me and I feel like I can't breathe. I miss her so much. It's hard for me to believe I do not have her with me anymore. I wasn't there when she passed. I went home. The hospice nurse that we had said that mom's wait for everyone to leave before they will pass. That's what happened with my Gram. I thought that maybe that would happen with my Mom, but my sister was still there. The day that she had the vent removed I asked if I could have sometime with her by myself. To tell her how much I love her. To ask her if this was what she really wanted. To tell her that I didn't want her to go. Someone had come into her room and I didn't feel like I had that time to be alone with her. To prepare myself for what was happening. After that everyone came back into her room. There was a shift change and they were going to call us back once they were ready to remove the vent. Before we left the room though. I got out the notebook and pen and said it's now or never I need that potato salad recipe. Everyone laughed, but I was not leaving without it! They will thank me later. 

The next time I got to see her, the vent had already been removed. She was very scared and kept telling us to hurry with meds that would help her to relax. There was no talking to her after that. Just waiting for her to pass. My sister and I spent the night. My mom got sick twice. The first time it woke me up but I didn't know that the sound was. Then her nurse came in to check on her and it happened again. He cleaned her up and changed her sheets. I don't know how much sleep I got that night. I know a lot of the time I just sat there watching her. Hoping that we were doing the right thing. The cancer was to much to fight and she wouldn't live through it anyway, but I still wish we had tried. She was ready though. I was, and still not ready. The next morning we just hung out in her room. By 3 or 4PM. I just wanted to go home and shower. I told my sister to call if anything changed. I got a call a little before 10PM, saying she had past. That was it. My Mom had gone. I wasn't with her in her last moments. I went home. I didn't get a chance to say good bye just one last time. I went home. I will never have that time back. To tell her that I love her again. To be selfish and beg her not to leave.  

She was cremated a couple of days later. My sister has her ashes. I want them, but the hubby is weird-ed out by that. I looked into getting a small urn to put some of her ashes in or even a ring or a necklace.  I just have not done it yet. Everything has been pushed aside. I just can't bring myself to deal with it. I don't have anything of her. I would be one of "those people" that talk to her. My girls would think I went off the deep end. 

One of my memories of my Mom. She would have this cigarette case that she would put her cigarettes in. It had two pockets with twist closers. The big one, cigarettes. The smaller one the lighter, her licence, saver cards and cash. I would love to smell the tobacco and leather together.  It is sad to me that the memory that I have of her has to have cigarettes in it. 

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Washington D.C.

I am going on the 8th grade trip to Washington DC with Whitney and I am pumped!!! 

While typing that I am screaming it in my head! I didn't go when I was in school. I have been telling her for years now that I was going to go with her. Just so she would have the time to get over it. It's a week away and now I am freaking out. I have never been away from Avery. So five days away from being hugged, kissed and sniffed from her is going to be hard. Chris and I will be able to Skype but that will not be good enough. I wonder if she will notice if I take one of her blankies?  Before I go I have to clean the whole place. Plan meals for the hubby, and Avery. Pack, get Whitney packed, and I am sure a whole lot of other things that I have not even thought of. 

I am worried about knowing nothing about our nations capitol. The term, use it or lose it, is really how my life works. I wonder if there is a Washington DC for dummies? 

Did I forget to pass on the fact that I will be with gosh 30ish other eighth graders? Some of them I like, a good chunk I don't remember who they are, and then we get to the ones that if I had a chance would not even be on this trip. That again is a story for another time. 

I have been going to the gym to prepare for this trip. I figured if I was going to be able to keep up with all these teenagers I better lose some weight. Then I started thinking. If they have to move from their hotel room to the bus they are already tired. So I think I got this. 

I am worried about making sure I am taking care of myself. Eating the right things, will be hard for me. All meals will be "out". I do not think we will be by a kitchen that I will be able to make my own food. I am not one of those that can't let anyone touch her food. I am type 2 Diabetic and I have issues with food. Like eating to much of it, eating cupcakes, donuts and large sizes of coffee! Oh and bagels. Yes bagels are evil!! Oh but they are so good! 

Change of subject. 

Whitney's Ginger will be on the trip along with his parents. I have met his parents a hand full of times and I like them a lot. They are going to be going with us but not on the bus. I have been trying to talk his Mom into coming onto the bus. So we can talk. So far I know two other Mom's that are going to be going. I know one of them and I are rooming together, so this should be fun. Of course get back to me once I am there and want to hurt someone. We were given five pages of rules/instructions. I am bringing my copy with me!! 

Prayer Request:
Please pray that I do not want to eat my young before we even leave the school parking lot. That I do not miss Chris and Avery to much and start screaming to turn the bus around! Oh please pray that I do not embarrass myself, Whitney is ok, with anything related to politics. I will need some extra help with not over stepping with other people kids. The most important, that I take care of myself. That I make the right choices. Thank You! 

Wish me Luck!! 

Monday, May 13, 2013

Good Thing I Can't Find My Calendar

I would say we have progress if Whitney had to remind me on Saturday that Friday was three years to the date since the fire. I am very glad that I wasn't obsessing about the day and that it slipped right by me. I am still having flash backs and issues with smells. The smell of burning leaves that once was the reason to never live anywhere else, has become one of the smells I try to avoid. People that smoke really annoy me. Well that one is for a couple of reasons not just because of the fire. It is obvious that we have gotten back to living. I have tons of piles of papers, again. My home is not a clean, everyday, as it once was. I am not making my bed everyday. 

This is now the place we've been for the most of Avery's life. Yet all I can think of is getting out of here. This summer, if it kills me. We will be moving into a house!!! I would like to have a three bedroom, two bath house. Backyard, dining room, good size kitchen. Basement would be a must! Two car garage that is attached would be wonderful! Yet I would give almost all of that up to just be out of here. The plan is to look on the south side, so we can be closer to family and friends. 

Although the plan was to not even be where we are now a year. Here it is three years later. I think that we are both scared. Not knowing what to expect once we get into a house. If things break, the cost of fixing them. The whole up keep, and extra bills. It is scary. I don't know a lot of people that have gone into the whole house buying experience and not freak out about signing all of those papers. The common thing that I have heard is, it feels like your signing your life away. 

My worry is who do I trust with my home loan and to find a house? I don't really care for my bank, but it has just been bought out from another credit union. Would that be a good thing or not. There are times like now that I feel very ignorant. Maybe it is something you learn while going through it. I just don't work that way. I want to know what to expect step by step. 

What I dream of with having my first house. Princess will finally be able to come home with us. To paint the walls what ever color(s) I want. To put holes in the walls. To mark how tall the girls are. That I think is the most important to me. I think that seeing those marks on the wall tells the story of your home and family. 

Please pray for my family that we stay strong in moving forward to reaching this goal. Not only for ourselves, to prove that can do it, but for our girls. 

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Mother's Day

I hate Mother's Day 

Mother's Day crap is everywhere, "don't forget to send flowers" on the TV, a special on a spa day on the radio, ideas for what to get your Mother all over Facebook! Oh even on my english muffins, WTH! No thank you, I do not want to get into the zoo on Sunday for free. I am so sick of seeing those card commercials also. Wonderful there is going to be a special peter rabbit about him forgetting Mother's Day and having to risk everything to find strawberries. Great, just great. This year much like every other year I wish Mother's Day didn't exist. Every Mother's Day since becoming a Mom, has been a horrible day for me. Not kidding, my very first one, Chris and I got into a very bad fight. The year after that same thing. So ever since I do not have high expectations. Which turns out to be a good thing. One thing or another would happen and I finally just give up on it ever being a good day for me. 

When Whitney started school, I started to get excited for the day again. I have this thing with noodle art, I love it. Getting little notes with flowers, hearts or hand prints. I lived for that! That made the day a little bit better. Then after she got older, they stopped doing things for Mother's Day. So I got bummed again. I do remember one while I was pregnant with Avery that ended up being a pretty good day. We all went somewhere for brunch, I had made reservations. It was great to be able to walk right in and be seated, and the food was pretty good. I was feeling great and the weather was good. I think that once we got home I even got to take a nap. On average though the whole Mother's Day thing sucks for me. 

This year will be the hardest of all the sucky years before. My Mom passed in January and this is the first "holiday" since her passing. Yup it just had to be Mother's Day. Hey why not, right? The day already sucks for me why not just add to it. I just can not handle anymore of the plan's being made, the time most of my friends get to spend with their not dead Mom's. The little green monster has taken over. 

So this is my wish, hope and even plea. If you are not talking to your Mom over something stupid, make up with her. I do not care if she is the one that screwed up. Make a point to forgive. Do not let another day go by with that door to her being closed. If you only knew how much I would give to have that chance. We had a good relationship. That door to my Mom was closed only because I could not talk to her very day, due to her being in the hospital on a vent. I miss my Mom, everyday. There has not been one day that has gone by that I don't want to pick up that phone to talk to her. Or to talk her into coming up for the weekend. To tell her about the girls, Chris, this blog. All the new and different things I have gone in the last year. I don't get to do that. Did I mention that I miss her? I have a lot of I need my Mommy moments. So please if you have your Mom still in your life please give her an extra hug, for me. 

I am going to be unplugging from Facebook for the next couple of days. I just can not read or see how happy you are with your Mom's.  It's still to fresh for me. I wish all of my family and friends a Happy Mother's Day. 

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Girl Friends Suck!

It's hard for me to have close friends. I don't trust easily. I can remember one of my first friends lying to my sister about me and my sister believing her. "Tina" said that I took money from her to get ice cream from the ice cream man. This was not true. That was from as early as, third or fourth grade. 

When my sister, brother and myself came to visit my grandparents, and then ended up living with them. There was a girl my age that her Mom made her invite me to her birthday party. It was fun, the girls seemed nice. Well until school started then they didn't know me. That was fifth grade. I got really close to another girl in sixth grade but that didn't last long. In seventh grade she had to move with her family due to her dad's job. We tried to keep in touch but this was before email, facebook and Skype. 

There was a long list of girls that when I think about them at the time we were bff's. "M", we will call her, just thought that she was better than everyone else. "S", was jealous of me and that caused problems. I don't mean to sound stuck up about that either. She really didn't like me at the end of our friendship due to a boy. "J", well I don't really know what happened with her. What sealed the deal with that one was her sending a picture of me to a boy. She wrote on the back my name and phone number and "call for a good time". I got a phone call from that boy the morning of my grandma's wake. Oh not asking me out! Just to tell me what he got in the mail and who had sent it to him. After that I don't think that I really had any close girl friends. 

"T", and I had been friends off and on for many years. In JR high she tried to have someone beat me up. In HS we were friends, then not, then friends again. Anyone that knew her knew that meant you were a thing to push around. She was never nice. If I was at her house she would be on the phone. If we went anywhere it would be her showing off how much she could buy. Once out of HS we lost touch, then I found her. We were friends for a while again, but it was during a very rough patch in my marriage that I stopped being friends with her. I told her it was to focus on my marriage, which was true. I didn't need anyone to be telling me that I should leave my husband. She was pissed about that. Years later we became friends again. Now for the life of me I can not remember how that happened. Maybe I am blocking it out? lol. It was in 2008 that my grandfather died, I had a miscarriage and then got pregnant again. She had been married for a few years by then and wanted very badly to get pregnant. She finally did and once she did, we again stopped being friends. 

Whitney had started school and I would tell her. OK go make Mommy some friends! I had her in Girl Scouts and that is where I met, "J". Married for a while, three kids, grew up in the town that we lived in and we were the youngest of the Mom's. Everyone else was in their mid-thirties or early forties. Now this seemed like a great fit. We started being friends when Whitney was in first grade. J was one of the reasons why I went back to school. That I learned how to make a budget with the money we had. She was one of the reasons why Whitney is at the school she is at now. I was able to still have a job, due to J watching Avery for me. Once I lost that job, was when the friendship started to end. She said to me that even if I did get another job right away she wouldn't watch Avery because she didn't have the room for her. You see she did in home daycare. In a home of three bedrooms and she already had kids that took naps in those rooms. I understood, it still sucked ass that she would do that to me though. Less than a month later, I lost my home to a fire. She was ok during that time. She watched Avery for me a couple of times just for an hour or two so Chris and I could talk to the insurance company. I would call her from the hotel that we stayed in for a month after the fire. She never called me back. Once we moved into a place that she could visit, (at my other place, I had three cats and she was allergic) we stopped being friends. Just in this last year our daughters reconnected through email. I messaged J just to make sure she was ok with it. Whitney missed being friends with her kids and I wasn't going to stop that friendship just because J was a bitch. She messaged me back that she was never mad and that she didn't tell her kids anything. Well what the hell, why would she be mad? She was the one that never called me back. Ok so what ever, she is so not worth my time. 

So here I am. Whitney is starting sixth grade and I have no friends at a school that we have been at since it opened. I have no one to talk to from work because no one wanted to have anything to do with me. I was having flashbacks from the fire. Within the first two weeks of living here, Whitney got her period. Chris had started a new job, not even a year before, and Avery was well one. My side of the family was my sister, her family, my Mom, that was it. Well that I had to talk to. Chris's side, well that's a very long story for another day, but no, no one to talk to there. I was lost, depressed, and wondering what I did wrong. Why did I have all these toxic people in my life? As lonely as I was I was not going to let anyone else in that would do what all of them did to me. No way was I going to have another close friend. I built this wall, Chris was for the most part on my side, but no one else. I had friends from HS that I would see every once in awhile. It wasn't like in HS though. I didn't call to talk to them on the phone everyday. It was just skimming the surface. There were sometimes five or six of us, we needed to catch up and we only had so much time away from the kids!! 

I started going to church in 2011. That was amazing. I had never been to a church like this one. I fell in love right away and wanted to do everything I could to help out. I wanted to help make coffee, I used to work at a place that did that. I could totally do that. Or I could usher. Show people where to sit, pass buckets. Oh yeah I could totally do that also. Growth Groups, what are those? I can join two, ok where do I sign? Membership class, hold the phone I could become a member? Oh lets see what else could I do?? WAIT A SECOND!!! I don't know these people. There are girls that go here that are my age. What if they want to be friends with me? Oh hell no I was not going to go down that road again. So I didn't do any of that. For months, it was go to church, listen to Pastor Dave, go home, and go on with life. It wasn't until August that the Growth Groups started up again. I really had started to hear what Pastor Dave was saying. I really wanted to bring God into my life on a everyday level. My way of honoring God would be to save money and be smart with it. So I signed up for two growth groups. A couponing group and Dave R. FPU. They even said that it wasn't a counseling group that everyone was there to learn. So let everyone talk. I took that to mean, I don't have to talk to any of these people to learn what I came to learn. SCORE!! No worries about making friends, because I didn't have to, or want to. Well the first group I had no worries about having to make friends. The girls that were in charge, well sucked at running the group. So I only ended up going to a few of those meetings. The second group, I kinda made a connection with the lady running it. She was very nice, but busy! She is married, has a full time job and she is a foster parent! OK no worries about her wanting to be my BFF. There were other girls, one not married yet, one that was married for many years with older kids. Another well she didn't show up after the first couple of meetings then the last one was newly married and pregnant. It was like I was checking them off in my head, nope, nope, nope and nope. OK this group is a keeper!! We got to the end and a couple of them wanted to be friends on Facebook. Cool I am totally ok with that. That's not really friendship, that's stalking with permission. 

Now we get back to the newly married and pregnant girl. She latched on to me like no ones business and would not take a hint. No I did not want to be friends. Wait, your husband is how much younger than you? After the baby is born I get to hold him? Awe, a squishy baby! DAMN IT, that wall is going to stay. in. place!! You have cats? You want me to come over? I get to hold your baby while you play with Avery? You are cutting coupons too? How is the cash only budget working for you? Oh we should totally go to the store together. There is a play date just down the street from me? Oh I can go to that. Crap, crap, crap!! OK so I guess having someone close to the same age, with a little one, doing the cash budget thing and has coupons, I can be friends with. BUT that's it. I do not need any other people. Crap the first one knows another that is royalty! WHAT? That's a girl I could learn a lot from! 

How in the hell did this happen? I talk to the second girl on Facebook a few times and now we talk multiple times a day. Hang out, drink coffee and like each other. I did not want this to happen, yet here it is. Yes the wall is still up but man it is not as tall as it once was. I still worry about if, and when something happens, will we stop being friends?