The Day I Went Fishing

March 2016 was a interesting month for me!

I was hanging out with a friend waiting for the girls to get out of school. We went shopping and his phone kept going off. I was getting annoyed. I finally asked him what was going on. He told me that he was "talking to a few people", with a weird look on his face. I asked him what do you mean "you are talking to a few people"? He admitted to me that he had signed up for a singles website. I laughed at him. He had been trying to get me to sign up for one for a while and I refused! I would NOT go down that road. When I wanted to date again I would find a guy a different way, not from a singles website!! 

All day long, his phone, 
                                  buzz, 
                                         buzz, 
                                                buzz, 

BUZZZ!!! 

My phone, no buzzing, no chirping.  I would look at it, shake it, Grrr at it. NOTHING! So after a long day of spending too much money and the help of a glass of wine I told him let's do this thing!!

I regretted it right away! As soon as I started my profile, my phone was going off, email was blowing up! It was insane. I didn't know what I was doing. This was my first time on a site like this. It was overwhelming. It took me a little while to figure out how things worked and all that time I was getting messages from different guys. They smelled the fresh meat I guess? My friend had been on the site before so he knew what he was doing so he kept "liking" people when I said they were cute. I wanted to know more about them before "liking" them so he wasn't helping!!

That first night I talked a few guys. It was flattering that I got so many messages. It was nice that I had options. I met a few guys for coffee. I could tell right away that there was something that just didn't click. So no one got a second date.

I didn't think that I needed a singles website. I was ok being single and taking life as it was. Now I wouldn't know how life would look like without going on. I have found the love of my life. How many people can say that? He was one of the first guys to message me. We talked for a while on the website and then he asked me for my number so we could text. The pictures on the singles site were great. I was attracted to him right away. He was a little sassy which I like. Very confident which is always a good thing. We went on our first date at the end of March. He was the first and last guy to get a second date. 

Life, It Moves On.

I was looking at the list of posts for this blog and all the posts that I haven't finished. Working titles like;
 A**hole Ex Husband
Being Divorced Sucks A**
This Part of Divorce I Hadn't Planned On
I'm Sitting Here Stressed Out Waiting for You to Show Up
Divorce: Feeling Guilty About What is Happening To My Girls 
The Feeling of Failure is Overwhelming Sometimes.

It's been almost two years since the divorce was final. I was really looking forward to having a healthy relationship with him when it came to the girls. I am so proud of myself for being able to do the things that he made me to scared to do. It was like shedding a really tight skin that was cutting off air. I hadn't planned on him flipping out when I started dating. Then turning it around and blaming me for him not seeing the girls. He made me feel guilty about wanting to having a life when that was what he was doing. Having a life. No responsibility to anyone but himself. 


He has taken the girls over night, twice. The longest he went, so far, was four months without seeing them. 

He has told our oldest that she is 17 now and doesn't NEED her father. 

Our youngest calls him when she wants to talk to him. She has to leave a message and he calls back later. OR sends me a text telling me, to tell her, sorry that he forgot to call back. 

If and when he does text me to tell me he wants to see the girls I tell him yes almost every time. He is really bad at making plans with our youngest and then not following through. Then she is hurt the whole day. Waiting for him to show up, for him to call or text. 

I think that she is starting to forget him though. She will be talking to me about something like her birthday. We just had her party so that's been on her mind. She told me about something that happened and asked me if I remember it. I told her that I did. She said that was a good time last year. I had to remind her that happened at her birthday party two years ago. That last year it was just me throwing her a party, that I got her, her bike. Seeing her realize that was hard to watch. 

It kills me inside to see how much they hurt. I want him in their lives. I have even gone through the thought process that maybe I shouldn't have gotten divorced. He would still be here. When I get that way our oldest will tell me that we are much better off now that he and I are divorced. Hearing that makes it better knowing that she knows how bad it was. 

If I vent about him not seeing the girls. I don't know how many people have asked, "Is he paying child support?" To which I answer "yes". Then they say, "Well at least he is doing that". WOW is that what this has come to?? As long as he pays child support he is off the hook for being a father to the kids he helped to make?? It's conversations like those that make me distance myself from people.

So this is my life now. 

Chugging along, doing life the best I can. 

I love my girls and they will never have to question that.