Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Good Bye 2014!!

Wouldn't be wonderful if you could truly close the door to 2014 and open the door to 2015, with a fresh start. To walk through and everything is wonderful. Wouldn't it be wonderful to not remember all the hurts and disappointments? That you could start with a brand new you? That this would be the beginning of the rest of your life? Well what if that life can't start yet? What if you are stuck dealing with 2014 for a while still? 

New Years was never a big deal for me. Now don't get me wrong, going to NYC on new years is on the bucket list. To be there with the high school girlfriends or someone special that I could give that special new year kiss to. I read something about how you should kiss the person you love. You should start the kiss before the end of the year and continue until the ball drops so it can be the perfect ending and beginning of the years. (I think that I threw up a little.) When I was younger I loved staying up to watch all the music acts on Dick Clark's New Years show. We would flip between New York and Chicago TV stations. Once the new year hit New York, we normally went to bed. I don't know if we thought, well ok nothing bad happened in New York so we are good to go to bed. Or just that the Chicago stations didn't have anyone else good on after that. 

What about all the good that happened in 2014? There was good that happened in 2014 I'm sure of it. If given the time and proper tools I could get a list together for you! So do we have the cheesy new years resolution? I vow to get to the gym, to lose weight, to focus on me, to eat more chocolate, to being a better parent, to read more books, watch less TV. To eat better, to go to bed earlier. Oh to be a better friend, or to see my friends more. The thing that I've been seeing a lot of is the mason jar with the little papers in it. "Everyday write something you are grateful for then next year read them all" Oy! Can I get 365 pieces of paper right now so I can just write down, thank you God for letting me wake up and try this life thing again? Because I think that's what it's coming down to with me. Tomorrow is not promised and just like in 2014, there are going to be days in 2015 that suck! 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to make fun of the resolutions. I just know that the statistics say that within the first two weeks people have either stopped doing what they said they were going to do or having even started. So tell me what is the big deal? Am I missing something? Shouldn't we just do the thing, insert resolution here, starting now and not wait for the new year? A friend told me that just because it was someones birthday they shouldn't have to kick up notch the making them feel special that one day. They should be made to feel special everyday. 

So to 2014 I say suck it! 2015, please be gentle. 

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Day 74

All day I'm fighting to stay away. I am sick and I think that if I could just get a nap, I know this is the day that I will start to feel better. I just know it!! So I fall asleep on the couch, to then be woken up a number of times because my girls are home. They need me to feed them. It's not really fair to them that I'm sick and well depressed. So I read chapter two to Avery. I talk to Whitney about a crappy friend. I read my book four and continue to fight the head nod. Then bedtime finally comes around and I fall asleep on the couch that is now my ex-husband's bed. He is pissed at me so I get woken up to be told he wants to go to bed. I grab my stuff, kiss Whitney on the head as I pass and shuffle off to what used to be our room. I fall into bed and fall right to sleep. 
No dreams, thank goodness.

Then it's 12:15AM and I'm awake. I check Facebook, I check email. I go out into the living room to get my laptop to then check Facebook and email again. I think about reading more of book four. Then I think about the day. Think about this morning. I think, and think and think. Instead of the anger I felt and still kind of do, the sadness rushes in. 

The hurt, the pain. 
The unease, the uncertainty. 
Self doubt and insecurities. 

The nagging thoughts that make me just want to run away. When will this go away? When will I feel better? Will it get harder? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? God doesn't give you more than you can handle? There is a lesson to be learned in all of this, I just might have to wait to see what it was. 

Ten years from now would you want to be the same person you are right now? NO!! Then why fear change? 
Right? Light bulb moment right? 

Knowing that still doesn't help me. Knowing that still doesn't hug me, hold my hand, kiss me good night or good morning. I still feel like this little girl that is begging to be loved. Why don't you love me? Please love me. I am damaged goods and I don't know if I will ever get to the point of being able to love again. To trust again. To not question. 

The minutes pass by and I breathe. In and then out. Just breathe. It feels like I am drowning, but I'm just sitting in my bed. My stomach makes a noise. I'm hungry. I don't think that I ate dinner. 

Life moves on. 

Saturday, December 20, 2014

I Might Be Sick

Sick with the Ba Hum Bug.

No amount of Christmas music or Christmas lights are getting me in the mood for Christmas. We have had very little snow. So little that I was able to go for a run this week. (I did pretty good seeing as I haven't gotten a run in for a couple months) The Christmas totes got brought up on Thanksgiving maybe the day before. They are still in the living room, mostly full. My Whitney, the one that LOVES Christmas isn't feeling it either. Although she has her own personal snow flurry going in her room. Yup that was a Frozen reference. LOL! 

Is it weird that going in there makes me cold?

She even has them hanging from her door. 

Oy, where is my Christmas spirit? I'm just not in the mood for any of it. Decorating, watching Christmas movies, shopping or baking. Well ok that last one I never feel like doing! Here we are only five days away from Christmas. I just heard on the radio that it's going to be insane at the stores today because it's the last Saturday before the holiday. So there is no way I'm going shopping today! 

This just happened. 

Avery, "Can we make gingerbread cookies for Santa?"
Me, "I think we should just make some sugar cookies"
Avery, "Can we just make one? I want to see if it will run away."
Me, "LOL" 

My Avery has made ornaments for the tree, wrote a letter to Santa and made a present for me at school. This kid is so excited!! 

Avery's ornaments. A heart and a unicorn. :D

What is wrong with me? I really need to try to fake it or something! I read somewhere that the tradition was to decorate on Christmas Eve. That's normally when I wrap all the presents. So, maybe I can start wrapping now, and I will be in the mood to get everything done the night before. 

It will be like a Christmas miracle? 

Monday, December 15, 2014

The Best Weekend EVER... in a while

Friday started out good. 

Avery went back to school after being sent home on Thursday. I went to the grocery store, which I hate but did it anyway. I came home and napped because I had to work that night. I had called my sister earlier in the week and made plans for my niecy, Elizabeth, to come and spend the night. WITH books three and four of the series that she got me into. :D I had a wonderful conversation with a friend of mine about body image and was feeling pretty good about myself. Elizabeth got here and shortly after that I had to go to work. It was a cleaning shift which I am beginning to have fun with. I get all the cleaning done then I pick a project to do. I take everything off of the tables and clean and then put it back how I want it. Now I know I might be driving people crazy with stuff not being in the place they left it. Also who knows if it will really stay that way. It just makes me feel good. All the spices got alphabetized and binders got labeled. There is more that I did but I think those couple of things will bring the biggest impact. One of the girls that I worked with at my store came in and we went on break together. After four hours I was done and went home. Well after I got to see two of our city's wonderful police officers come in. (I LOVE MY JOB!!) 

Saturday morning, Avery woke up. 

She came into my room and we snuggled, like really snuggled for a long time. She wanted me to rub her tummy and scratch her back. Every time I would start to fall back to sleep I would feel her little hand on mine wanting me to keep me either rubbing or scratching. My Whitney woke up and came into bed with us. Shortly after that Elizabeth did also. I had all my girls in bed with me snuggling!! It was probably THE best way to start the day. We all got up and had breakfast and coffee, well Avery didn't have coffee. Whitney showed me her school newspaper. There was an article in it that she wanted me to read and talk about. (It was about the school dress code, it was supposed to be a funny story but I could hear some truth in it. I was a little upset by it. Although it was a great way to have a conversation with Whitney) Elizabeth and I got a chance to talk also. She is heading into the next week with finals. Then we just hung out the whole day. I had plans to go out with my friend Jen that night. Friday would have been 16 years married and Jen's birthday was Sunday.

So there was some drinking to be doing!!

 I picked her up around 8PM, we went for a drink after we got tickets to see a play. We had ran into a couple that we were both friends with and they saved us seats. The show was funny, ish. Jen and I both had a drink so I'm wondering how it would have been sober. :/ We went and got something to eat at one of my favorite places in the downtown area. A waiter that I've had before was there and well he remember my girl friends from high school and I from this summer. Good food, a selfie and one more drink, then home. 

Sunday, we slept in. 

Avery was up and down most of the night with still not feeling good. More coffee, and Elizabeth had to go home. I was going to go for a run. Yup you read that correctly, a RUN in December, when I live in Wisconsin!! It was in the 40's people!!! So warm! Well Whitney had other ideas. She wanted to get some of her friends Christmas gifts. So off to the store we go. We went to five different ones. By the fifth Whitney was done!! LOL. I told her that if she was around when my Gram was shopping she wouldn't be able to hang with her. That woman could shop circles around people!! We got home around six had something to eat and just hung out. I went to my room to start on book three that Elizabeth brought and next thing I know I hear Avery coughing. (it was 1AM I think) I had fallen to sleep and I don't remember reading any of the book. :/ And here I am now writing about the weekend. 

It was for the most part a GREAT weekend. Friday was a day of learning and staying true to myself. Saturday was so good for me. I love all my girls and having them all around me Saturday morning was, to say wonderful would be putting it lightly. I am truly grateful for getting the chance to mend a friendship that I helped to hurt. Then to get the chance to hang out without it being planed was cool. I know that this road right now is a hard one for me. I also know that without the support of the people in my life I wouldn't be doing as well as I am right now. I'm not where I want to be yet but I'm getting there. 

The song "Just Breathe" from Faith Hill comes to mind but the lyrics do not match my feelings right now. So I'm just going to keep repeating the "just breathe" part. :D Have a great week everyone!