Day 74

All day I'm fighting to stay away. I am sick and I think that if I could just get a nap, I know this is the day that I will start to feel better. I just know it!! So I fall asleep on the couch, to then be woken up a number of times because my girls are home. They need me to feed them. It's not really fair to them that I'm sick and well depressed. So I read chapter two to Avery. I talk to Whitney about a crappy friend. I read my book four and continue to fight the head nod. Then bedtime finally comes around and I fall asleep on the couch that is now my ex-husband's bed. He is pissed at me so I get woken up to be told he wants to go to bed. I grab my stuff, kiss Whitney on the head as I pass and shuffle off to what used to be our room. I fall into bed and fall right to sleep. 
No dreams, thank goodness.

Then it's 12:15AM and I'm awake. I check Facebook, I check email. I go out into the living room to get my laptop to then check Facebook and email again. I think about reading more of book four. Then I think about the day. Think about this morning. I think, and think and think. Instead of the anger I felt and still kind of do, the sadness rushes in. 

The hurt, the pain. 
The unease, the uncertainty. 
Self doubt and insecurities. 

The nagging thoughts that make me just want to run away. When will this go away? When will I feel better? Will it get harder? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? God doesn't give you more than you can handle? There is a lesson to be learned in all of this, I just might have to wait to see what it was. 

Ten years from now would you want to be the same person you are right now? NO!! Then why fear change? 

Right? Light bulb moment right? 

Knowing that still doesn't help me. Knowing that still doesn't hug me, hold my hand, kiss me good night or good morning. I still feel like this little girl that is begging to be loved. Why don't you love me? Please love me. I am damaged goods and I don't know if I will ever get to the point of being able to love again. To trust again. To not question. 

The minutes pass by and I breathe. In and then out. Just breathe. It feels like I am drowning, but I'm just sitting in my bed. My stomach makes a noise. I'm hungry. I don't think that I ate dinner. 

Life moves on.