Frog Butts

A few days ago I went out with a friend of mine, Jen, after she was done with work. We went to a local pizza place and vowed not to eat pizza. We didn't have the hubbies or the kids, we could finally have adult food!! Well after looking and looking nothing sounded as good as, $5.75 all you can eat one topping pizza!!! So that's what we got. In that time of trying to figure out what we wanted the poor waitress came by out table three times. We would ask more questions then she would come back. This girl didn't know who she just got sat with. I was being so funny!! Jen was being so funny! We were cracking ourselves up! 

It was nice sitting down to my half cheese half pepperoni and Jen with her half tomato and half chicken and just having adult conversation. It wasn't planned. Whitney got picked up at Jen's store by a friend. Chris just happened to figure out I was at the store and came by. He told me to stay as long as I wanted and he took Avery home with him. Insert the AWE here!!! During dinner, I had asked how her hubby asked her to marry him. She said she didn't really remember, ummm. :/ She asked me how Chris asked me. I told her that he sent me on a scavenger hunt. That will have to be for another blog post. ;)

To tell you the truth I still do not remember how we got to talking about frog butts, and I know I am the one that said something about it first. Football was on the TV's so I am sure it had something to do with that. My thoughts are baby boys and older men are like frogs. You stand the frog up on it's feet, pads what ever and they have no butt. Same with baby boys and older men. The babies are born that way, they have to grow a butt. After time men butts start to erode away. I don't know if it's from having a desk job, scratching it or maybe it fell off into the toilet? Jen I think might have been laughing so hard she was crying a little. She asked me, then what happens with women's butts. 

I told her that they melt into our thighs. 

My Favorite Thing About Fall

This is what I was asked to enter a give away on Facebook. I think that I sat looking at the little blinkie thing for five minutes. I do not have just one thing that is my favorite. I know for most people that fall is their favorite. So I started thinking, what is it about fall that I LOVE? 

The leaves changing is a given. 
Apples and pumpkins go hand in hand also. 
Using blankets for snuggling with my little one. 
The fresh crisp air. 
Cooking w/the oven. I would say baking but I'm diabetic.  
Drinking hot coffee! Oh and spiced apple cider. 
Going to pumpkin farms and corn mazes with friends. 
Crafting, learning how to knit seems like a better idea in fall. 
Eating soup and chili.
Wearing sweaters.
School starting and school pictures.
Not getting picked on for wearing shoes and socks!
Getting ready for Trick or Treat. 
Watching football. Now I will lie about this to the hubby, but it is part of fall that I love. 

I am sure that I am missing a lot of things. For now this is all I can think of. 

What are you favorite thing(S) of Fall? 

Meow Meow Kitties

I miss them. We had three before the fire, one survived. She is now living with my sister and her family. We do not get to see her that much, and I miss her. 

Chris came with Tigger. Orange and white tabby that didn't like me at first. He would chase me out of the bathroom and try to bite the backs of my legs. Then Chris and I moved in together. Tigger and I had a talk one day in the closet. After that we were best friends. We would sit down to eat and he would be right there. Sitting at the table on one of the chairs, looking like he was ready for dinner. I got pregnant with Whitney and he would be by my side as soon as I got home. 

Then we got Cleopatra, Ms. Cleo for short. She was mostly gray with a little white under her chin. We got her from a friend of a friend. She had a little girl that would just chase her. When I got to hold her for the first time I fell in love. She was so small. We brought her home that night without even thinking about it. She was so fun. She would untie my shoes when ever I would put them on. Which was great when I got home from work, not so much when I was leaving! She didn't get very big. So once I got big with Whitney I would still put Cleo on me. Tigger seemed to love her pretty much from the beginning also. I would find them curled around each other sleeping in the sun. 

A few years later we got Princess. A mix of dark brown, and white with a little caramel spot on top of her head. I guess the story goes that one of Chris's co-workers had a kitty that had babies. I said no. He brought home pictures, I fell in love. Jerk! ;) So now this kitty was going to be Whitney's kitty. She was to play with her and clean one of the litter boxes. The cleaning part didn't last very long, but the playing did. Princess would follow her around and cry for her when she went to school. As soon as she would be home Princess would be right on her. She would be licking Whitney's nose and snuggling with her. We tried to have a place on the floor in Whitney's room for her to sleep. Again that didn't last long. We would find Princess in her bed when we would go check on her. 

I remember when it was 10PM Cleo would come out into the living room and meow at me. She was like my Mom telling me it was time for bed. She wouldn't stop until I came to bed. Once I was ready she would wait for me to lay on my right side. Then she would walk up me and lay on my left side. That got to the point I couldn't move, ever! So I got her to move. She would then lay right by my face. I would hug her, smell her and give her a kiss. Then we would go to sleep. Well until Tigger would jump up on Chris's side of the bed, walk over him to get to me. Then lay down on my head. I would move him down by my legs and he would always come back up to my pillow. If I tried to move him to many times he would do a deep meow at me. Letting me know this was not the deal! 

I know that the people that do not have cats or do not even like them probably are thinking that I am crazy. I was, crazy about my furry babies!! They each had a personality. I would call to them, all three in different ways and they would come to me. Chris would be so annoyed by it. "How do you get them to do that?!" I don't know. They just like me better I guess. :)

Not everyday was a great day with three cats in a small apartment with towards the end four people. We bought new furniture right before we had Avery. So the cleaning up after the cat fur was driving me insane. I got big so I no longer wanted extra fur in my face while I was trying to get some sleep. Once Avery came we would find Princess in the fold and go. Chris would have to clean it. Almost everyday. Tigger was getting sick everywhere. Cleo was fine. To tell the truth. I don't even know if Avery ever saw Cleo. So having what felt like four babies was a lot for me to deal with. 

I do miss them though. Sometimes when I am about to be awake, I think I feel one of them jump up on the bed. I get so happy wondering which one it will be. Then I remember where I am and know that's not possible. I have been going to a kitty shelter here in the downtown area. The girls and I have favorites. Chris doesn't go to the shelter. Since being away from the meows for so long he is now allergic to them. So the chances of us getting kitties again in the future really will depend on him being able to breathe. 

Bad Run

I had a bad run this morning. I know for some that doesn't mean a thing. I got up and got to the gym and ran didn't I? I didn't understand when my friends would say they didn't have a good run and now I do. I was so pumped to get to the gym this morning. I was even not that concerned about the ladies locker room filled with old naked women! I went upstairs to the track and started to run. Then my bra straps started to fall down. For the first full lap that's all they did. If I lose anymore of my boobs Chris is going to leave me for a bigger boobed lady!! Well no he wouldn't but he wouldn't like me having to buy new bras again. I think, well I know that I started out faster than I have before, so then my breathing was off. The songs just were to slow. I tired to work with them, slow my pace and get my breathing back. That didn't work. My legs were so tired. I stopped for a turn and talked to myself. "Push through this, I've got this. Cake walk!" "Oh yeah guy who is just walking, yeah you just got chicked" Nothing I said to myself got me to get through it. I think I ended up running 2.66 miles. I went to the treadmill afterwards. "Hey maybe I can finish off my run here. I have never ran on the treadmill lets see. I can just zone out and get it done." Well I forgot I needed to put my cell phone back in my arm band, so the half mile I was on it didn't count. Grrr. 
I guess I am just frustrated on top of this mornings run. The scale has not moved, and I am still wanting to fall asleep as soon as I am done with a run, among other things.  There was a guy on the track today that just looked awesome! Running for him looked so effort less. Will running EVER be like that for me? 

My first ever 5K July 31st 2013
It took me almost an hour to run/walk the whole thing.

So as you can see Sept 18th 2013 was a big improvement.

I'm Coming Out!

I think that it's time to finally come out of the broom closet and tell everyone. 

I am a Norwex consultant. 

I signed on with my friend Natalie with like 6 hours left to do it. Yes I just signed up for free stuff!! Duh! Then I was talking to the ladies in the church office and realized. I really do love these products! That and customer education was not happening!! I have in fact told a couple of the ladies that I will be picking up their cloths on Sunday and washing them in the Norwex laundry soap!! Wouldn't it be wonderful if I just used my cloths for cleaning the office, well and at home of course. I know that one lady brings her little one in and another is pregnant. I would feel so much better not using chemicals around them!! I did forget to say that it took me half the time to clean the office even with Avery "helping" me. Now I do have another friend that cleans the office also. So what normally would take two hours with talking, took one and we still got to talk! The floors in the bathrooms were even dry! 

I know that once I reach out and start telling and showing people what these cloths can do they will be impressed and want to get rid of the chemicals. I keep remembering that smell does not equal clean. No smell is clean. I am not crazy when I say I will come over to my friends houses and clean. I love to use the cloths. It's like making sure they will do what they say they will. I love them I love them I love them!! Now if I could only get my husband to let me buy one of everything!!

When Did This Happen?

I can not sleep. Is it because I am to excited to sleep like that little boy the night before going to Disney World? Can I not sleep because Avery just got up and peed in the hallway, and in the potty? Is it because my ankle is itching? 

Off Ramp Warning!!! 

I got "taken down" by a St. Bernard named Ruby. She isn't even a year old and I love her. She just likes to run circles around you while on her leash. I just happened not to jump over it once and she took me down to the ground and I now have a slice on my right foot. It's healing, but it's very itchy!! 

Back On The Road!!! 

 Maybe it's all of the above. I think that it just might be because I will have a high school freshman tomorrow morning. I am just having a hard time wrapping my head around it. Four more years with this one and we are almost done. She will not need us, (me), on a everyday kind of level. The one she is going to is not a typical high school thank goodness. One floor and a lot of nerds. I am worried that she is going to get lost. Get her heart broken. Get lost in the shuffle of everyday life in a high school. Chris is worried that she will be picked on.

Now what about the little one? I am having a hard time thinking about what I went through when Whitney was that age. Things changed. She came home smelling like..... school. Not my baby. I told Whitney when she was in Kindergarten, ok now go make Mommy friends. I have friends this time. I was super(ish) involved. I would come into class and help the teachers. Will I be able to still do that? Will I be able to be as involved if not more than I was when Whitney was little? 

How do I balance everything? 

I don't want Whitney to feel like she doesn't have me there for her. 

I also want Avery to have me around as much as Whitney did. I want to give Avery the same life, but better than we were able to give Whitney. How do you do that with kids that are so far apart in age?  

Mopping is AWESOME!!

I like to mop. Getting the hot water in the bucket, putting a little pine sol in. Putting the mop in the water and washing my floors. I love the whole process. I was even looking forward to doing it here because I have more floor. 

I take it all back!!! 

I swept my floor and mopped and it took me 5 minutes. That was even stopping to take pictures!!! 

I LOVE my Norwex mop!!!! 

My floor is even dry already! lol 

So here I will break down my five minutes;

• Whitney removed the floor mats while I put the dry mop head on the mop handle. 
• I swept, I took a picture. I forgot to take one of the dry mop before. Sorry! 
• I took blue mop head (took a picture of before!) and wet it  down. Rolled it up to get out most of the water. 
• I then took the dry mop pad off, and put the wet one on. 
• Adjusted the mop for Avery. She really really wanted to mop. 
• I took a picture. She was done, then I mopped. 

All done!! 

Did I tell you my floors are already dry? 
Did I tell you that it took me longer to type this then it did to do clean my floor? 
Eeek!! I LOVE THIS MOP!!! 

Dry Mop Head

Wet Mop (BEFORE)

Wet Mop (AFTER)

Avery my little helper. 

It's a little to big for her but,
she was still able to mop.

 

So happy to be helping Mommy! 

Coloring My Hair

I hate doing it. In fact I have put it off for so long that my out growth is probably two inches. Something you do not want to happen!! 

First, I hate it because I do it at home, in the bathroom. 

Second, it smells, bad. Now I worked as a shampoo girl in Junior High and High School, I know bad smells. This is just on a different level of strong bad smell. 

Third, I can not see the back of my head no matter how many mirrors I try to use. It's just not happening.

Fourth, Chris has to be home so he can play with Avery. I do not like him seeing me this way..... with crazy wife hair. 
It's embarrassing. 

Fifth, I have to have clean hair. This almost never happens because I put stuff in it to keep my curls from becoming an afro. Not a good look on me. Trust me, I tried straightening my hair in HS, one time. I looked like the white version of Diana Ross. Again, not a good look on me! 

So back to the coloring of my hair. I hate doing it. Period. That's why I haven't done it. So you wonder, why even color your hair if you hate it so much? 

That's a great question!! 

Here is why. I had planned on being a hair stylist back in the day. So I had no plans on going gray gracefully. I was going to fight it tooth and nail!! No one was going to even know my real hair color. HA! To be honest after I have done it, I love it and wonder why I dragged my feet for so long. I then re-promise myself that I will not wait that long again to color. Well you see where that has gotten me. 

So does anyone feel like coming over to do it for me? lol.

I'm TRYING to be a Good Diabetic

This time I really am. I went to the diabetic educator last Wednesday. I knew that I was going to get a "talking to". The lady that I see, she is very nice, but direct. She will not tell me, you have to do this. She will just show me what will happen to me if I do not get my blood sugars under control. I have seen the things that she showed me before. When I went with Chris. After his appointments, I would ride him on what she said. Funny how when it's happening to you, it can all go in one ear and out the other. To say that I was in denial would be putting it lightly. I still wanted to eat as much cereal as I had been. I LOVE cereal and could eat it for every meal, no kidding. 

                           It's easy and I am lazy. 

Chris got this diet book in the mail from a co-worker and now his is crazy about it. So we have been kinda following that. What I mean by that is, when Chris first got the book he skipped through found the foods to avoid and the foods to eat. I wrote that list down and that is what we have been trying to follow. We shop the perimeter, for the most part. We still need to go into the pickle aisle for Avery, and I like to pick up black olives. I have also been trying to eat foods that are gluten-free. Not because I need to, just because I feel better when I do. I have family and friends that have to be gluten-free.  Why not try to have things here for them to eat? Do you know how many things have gluten in them? Oh my gosh. Well that's for another blog post. 

So now the plan for me is to check my blood sugars every morning when I get up. Eat within the first half an hour then check it again two hours later. I can eat every 4-5 hours. I have to check my blood sugars before eating then two hours later. Just like in the morning. I need to do this for a week. Three meals two snacks. I need to stay 10 carbs or less everyday. (15 grams = 1 carb) I also need to get back to the gym. This summer has been hard on me! It's not the holidays that do me in, it's the summer. I have no where I HAVE to go, so I don't. I don't get up and take a shower right away. I stay up way to late so do the girls. Then we do not get up until late. This is one of the many reasons I would not be able to home school. I need that place I have to be. 

Long story short, I have been doing much better. My blood sugars have been lower. Not as low as they should be, so I will be calling my Dr. in a couple of days. Today I have plans to go to the gym. I have a great group of ladies around me that know what I am going through and support me. I could not do it without them. 

Week in Review

The week is almost over so I figured I would update everyone on how it is going. Today is the last day of S.T.E.M. camp for Whitney. She is loving it, she met two new friends and is looking forward to start in September. 

Avery got sick in the car for the first time in a very long time. First time in the new car. She is feeling better now. We have been getting a little cabin fever with it being so hot outside. She has turned into a crazy child. I got her some water colors and now almost everything has been painted. 

Chris got a bigger fish tank a few weeks ago. This week he has lost three out of five fish. He has been super busy at work and signed up for a mud run in August. 

As for me, I have been working out more this week then I have in a while. I am so proud of myself. I have been running on the track!! Yesterday my breathing was really good. I am not going to break any time records, yet!! 

Thanks for stopping by!! 

I Love Being A Girl

I really do. We get to wear make-up, we have fun clothes, and smell good. Not to say boys don't have fun clothes and smell good. I've never been a boy so I know what I like, and I like being a girl. This being said, I went through my make-up today. I needed to get rid of the colors of lipstick that I never use, and everything expired. I have just found this girl on YouTube that I love. I have watched her put on her foundation I don't even know how many times. Wow that might sound creepy. So I will explain. She does how to videos on YouTube. She is the reason why I got three new make up brushes and concealer. Now when I look at myself in the mirror I like what I see. Well after I do my make up. I'm not coming down on myself. I have rosacea. So it seemed that what ever I did, the red still came through. Now that I have learned again how to put my make up on, it's not bad. I still will never need blush!! 

I have taken all of my make up, brushes, and other tools out of the bathroom and brought them into my room. I think that I am walking a thin line here. Avery is four now and is tall enough to reach everything on my dresser. So I might be regretting this any day now. I made the move due to the one bathroom. Someone is always in there and to tell you the truth it gets really hot in there after a shower. Now that I am in my room I can have a fan blowing on me if I want! I feel so girly with everything in little jars and baskets. I need to put a mirror up and then I am good to go. For now. Hahaha. I like to change things around so given a little bit of time and some time Pinterest stalking I will make it prettier. 

My humble amount of girly stuff. 

What Do You Say?

A while ago Whitney told us a child at her school called her a mistake. I know this child, her parents and where she lives. Thank God I was in a public place when Whitney told me what this child said, or I would have done something about it. This child told Whitney that, because Chris and I were not married when we made her, she was a mistake. My heart just broke, so I told her. Not ever, not even for one minute has she been a mistake. To never have any doubt in her mind that Chris and I both wanted, and still want her. She is ours to keep, even when she doesn't want us around. Gosh, what do you say to your baby when they tell you something like that?

I thought talking to her about her period and what to expect with that was hard. I thought talking to her about sex was hard, but this. Being told that she was a mistake by some child, that probably was a mistake. Sorry that was my anger talking. What do you say to reassure her that she was, is and always be wanted. She is fifteen and doesn't listen to half of what we tell her. Did she believe me when I told her that we wanted her? Did my anger towards that child come through when I was talking to her? Does she doubt my love for her every time I have to tell over and over to do something? Or when we do not let her do something with her friends? Being a parent is hard. I know there will be a time in my life that I will wish with everything that I could go back to the beginning of the teenage years. 

The next thing I am struggling with is what is allowed with the boyfriend? He will come over to hang out and I will let them sit on the same couch. I catch Whitney snuggling into him. I do something to make it stop. They have not kissed, they have held hands and hugged. He is very shy. Which I am grateful for. Whitney has already had her first kiss. A while ago. So I am in no hurry for her to be doing anything else. They are never left alone so that is a little less stressful. I was her age and I know exactly what can happen when left alone. I know there will be a point in her life that she will do things that I am not ready for her to do. I have told her that Chris and I did not come into this marriage pure, and that is not what I want for her. Marriage is hard enough with out having to deal with that. 

So what do you say to your child to make sure they know that they were and are wanted? What do you do when you see that they are getting a little to close to the boyfriend or girlfriend? I am so out of my comfort zone. 

It Will Happen When It Happens

My most favorite words while trying to get pregnant again, not really. What about, all you have to do is relax, go away for the weekend, have a glass of wine. I had a hard time getting pregnant for the second time and if you have ever had a issue with getting pregnant. Those are the words you never want to hear. It will happen when it happens. You know them to be true, but will bite off the head of the person saying them to you. The truth was we did stop trying after potty training Whitney. Once I found out that she didn't remember any of it, I told Chris OK let's do this!!

For the second time around I kind of remember when we were supposed to be "going it" but it wasn't happening. I went to the Obgyn, she told me I was much thinner with my first kid and that I should lose weight. Ah well, that wasn't very nice. Fat people get pregnant all the time! So I stopped going to her for that reason and others. Next step was to take my temp, before getting out of bed, and track it. That's when I discovered that my base line temp is lower than average. So for the first couple of days I thought the thermometer was broken. We got a different one, then I thought that one was broken also. So I gave up taking it. When I talked to my Mom she told me she too had a lower than average temp. OK, great so I went back to taking it. The whole deal is to wait until you have a temp, then have sex. Let's just say, I didn't do it right. Every time I would be one day late I would test. I had gotten one of those books, you know the what to expect ones. This was a notebook that I could record the tests that I took, Dr.  visits and a whole lot of other stuff. I had it for a couple of years and was very excited to finally use it. Well I stopped putting in all of the negative pregnancy test that I took and just left the last one open in hopes that maybe down the road I would be able to fill it in. 

Nine years after I had Whitney I got pregnant again but didn't know. I was about a month along when I had a miscarriage. July 4th 2008. That was the hardest news to hear. A regular ultrasound, a level two ultrasound, and a blood test to tell me yes I was pregnant but I no longer had the baby. Then the words, "well that wasn't your baby. It wasn't meant to be." I think are some of the most horrible words to say second to the when it happens, it happens. 

A few months later I did get pregnant again. This time I went to the Dr. and only told Chris and Whitney. It was Chris that needed to be banned from telling everyone. I wanted to wait, what if I miscarried again? Chris didn't give me much of a choice. I went into his work after a check up and his co-workers asked if they could come congratulate me. I was upset with him for telling anyone outside of our family. Although it was nice to finally be able to say I was carrying again. 

I was nervous, freaking out and happy all at the same time. Whitney had been an only for so long. Will she be upset that she will have to share us now? Will I remember what to do? We had nothing from when Whitney was a baby. I had to be talked into registering. I didn't think that it was right to ask people for baby stuff when I already had a baby. Chris had so much fun with the scanner though. He picked out all pink stuff. We didn't even know if we were having a girl. He told everyone that he was going to be "blessed with two girls."  


I had a great pregnancy. I would do it again and again, IF I knew I was going to have the same experience. Chris, Whitney, the new car seat and I all headed to the hospital. We didn't call the Dr. because I thought for sure I wasn't going to have her yet. She would be early, by nine days! Come to find out that sound that I heard sitting down on my couch was my water breaking. We were not going anywhere! I had a great time during labor. I got the good drugs and didn't feel a thing until my Dr. finally showed up....to catch. 

June 2009 I brought Avery into the world a little after 9PM. I was in labor for about 6 hours. 

My Whitney holding my Avery. 

My Loves, My Heart. 

Round Is A Shape

It's not a mystery that I am over weight. When I step on the Wii fit and it says "OH, that's obese". Or when I tell everyone that I'm in shape and they look at me sideways. Round is a shape, people. If you have read my blog you will know that I am Type 2. That it was just a few months ago that I found out. The whole family then joined the gym. I love going. The smell of the pool makes me happy. When I am going farther then I have before I start to smile. I love the way it feels. I am proud of myself. 

It's when I try things like the elliptical for 10 minutes to only discover that I am really not ready for it! Another example, when one of my skinny friends tells me I should do lunges with her. All the way around the track. Then again I have that light bulb moment that I am still not ready. For days I hurt. DAYS people. Not just until the next day or when ever fit people feel better. DAYS!! I went to the gym, first time in a while, shh don't tell anyone, on Wednesday. It's now Saturday and I still can not get up without sounding like an old man. I mean a very old man! Never mind what I look like! The pain in my thighs, wow. That's all I can say. Now if I could just stand for the next day or so I will be fine. It's when I need to sit to pee that I really start to re-think my friendships with skinny people. 

Chris and I got to talking about the end of July. I have signed up for a 5K. He said to me, are you going to be ready? So at this point I gave him the look that said. This is coming from the guy that signing up for the Chicago Marathon without running since high school. THEN didn't even finish half of it? Hmm?  Yeah, thanks for the support honey! I get it though. He really is looking out for me. He has seen me after the elliptical and the lunges so he might know what he is talking about. 

So am I ready? To run three miles? Outside, where people can see me? I can say without hesitation that no I'm not. Will I be ready? Heck yes!! I have enough time to get myself there. I have the support of my friends that will be there doing it with me. There will be things that I need to work on. Like breathing. Yes breathing would be a good thing to be doing while running. Chris was telling me something about a four beat song. I gave him the look that said. Look buddy I know your crazy and you know your crazy. You have to show me what your talking about. By the way, my looks say a lot!! I learn by doing. He lost me when he said, what you need to do is... 

So pray for me. That I get to the gym and train like I am supposed to. That I watch what I eat. Also that I do not hurt myself anymore. 

I have a doctor appointment the week after the 5K. So I will be looking forward to the scale and maybe even cutting back on my meds. 

Grrrr!

People annoy me. I am in a few of garage sale sites on Facebook. The people that go on there are dumb. I see a post that says pick up in a bla city when your not even in the same city that your posting in. Why are you in this group? One you are 30 minutes away. Two you are in another state. Three if your not willing to meet half way you shouldn't be in the group!! 

Another thing that drives me nuts. The people that use coupons then re-sell those items on the sites. I can always tell when there is a good coupon. I start seeing those items show up on the site. All I want to say to them is. Will you take my coupons for them? Since you cleared the shelf to then turn around and sell them to make money on people that do not know any better? I can't get away from them either. Every site that I am on, some new yahoo is on there selling their stock pile stuff. 

Oh and to the people that are posting all their baked goods. This is a GARAGE sale site!!! Not a BAKE sale site. Go Away!! One, why are you in this group? Two, where are you baking this stuff? Three, are you licensed, checked out by the health department? Four, dumb people stop buying their stuff without asking these things first!!!

A friend of mine added me to a Mom's group. She told me about this post about Mom's complaining about people that smoke in their cars while kids are in there. That they smoke, but not in the car. I said oh add me I will tell them they are dumb. I finally read the post and I was ashamed to be in the same area as these yahoos! Ok so follow me here. 

Mom #1, "First off I want to admit that I am a smoker. I do not smoke in my home or around my daughter. If we are outside I may occasionally have one but if she comes close I move it or put it out. What pisses me off is I have seen so many people driving around with little ones in their car and I see them smoking! How does anyone think that's ok?!?! I think that is so horrible! It is not ok to smoke in the car with your baby/child! I drilled this into my hubby before I had my daughter too because he is a big smoker. I just can't believe it! 

Mom #2 I quit smoking 3 months ago. But when I did smoke I was like you. I always said it was my choice to smoke not my son. I also get so upset when I see that or when you can smell smoke on kids clothing. There is no reason for this!! People need to stop being lazy and selfish!!


In the twelve of so posts after that offer varying agreeing with Mom #1. One mom calls her a "smart smoker" for not smoking in front the her kids. Another said something about agreeing with her 100%. There is one or two that say something about it's her choice to smoke and she shouldn't do it around her kids. That they had parents that smoked non stop and have asthma now because of it. Mom #1 said she has parents that did the same thing, she has asthma and still became a smoker. Another mom said it should be illegal, that she heard something about people being ticketed for smoking with kids in the car. 

OH MY GOSH people!! Really? Just because you do not smoke in the car or in front of your kids does not mean they do not know what is going on. Or that they are not effected by your smoke. Do you change your clothes and take a shower before coming back inside? Do you have all of your windows closed while outside? Do you think that they do not see, when and why you go outside to smoke? Stop thinking that your better than others because your not. You smoke, that means that the chances are your kids are going to smoke. Your shortening your life with them because you smoke. I lost my Mom this year to lung cancer, so I have a front row seat to what your kids see. Stop being so stupid. Smoking is bad, PERIOD.

Ok I think I feel better. That is subject to change if I go back on Facebook though! 

Avery

I have an almost four year old and I am freaking out about it. I always got upset when my Mom would say she didn't remember what my siblings and I did when we were younger. Whitney would do something crazy and I would ask my Mom did I ever do that? She would say sure but she really didn't remember. I am starting to understand that now. Avery is four today and I am imagining what she is going to be like when she is five, six and older. I just can not wrap my mind around it. Will she smell like school like Whitney did? Will she still take a nap? Now that I have Whitney to pick up from HS will there be time for a nap? Avery will be going to pre-K in the fall. I don't even know if it's a full day or not. I'm not sure if I want to know right now. With the girls so far apart in age it's hard for me to remember Whitney being this little. Will I be a better Mommy to Avery than Whitney? So many things I worry about. 

For today they are put to rest as I wait for my four year old to wake up. I love to hear she little feet as they come running down the hall to me in the living room. I love how sleepy and warm she will be when she gets into my lap. I'm not sure what the day will bring but I know that it will start soon, and I can not wait to "nuggle" my baby. 

Her face just cracks me up!

Posing with her "flowers" 

One Shoe, Brown Shoe, Blue Shoe.

Have you ever been driving and seen one shoe on the side of the road? I have so many questions about this. Where do they come from? Isn't someone missing that shoe? How does one lose one shoe? Should I start a collection? Maybe I could post them somewhere so if someone is looking for the other shoe they can find it again? 

I feel this way about hats also. A hat though I can understand more how you can lose it. Your driving along and a big wind hits just right. Your bound to lose a hat, but why not stop to pick it up? Do you think, well the wife didn't like that hat anyway? Are you running late? You can't tell me you didn't know the hat went out the window! 

Someone out there has to have a story about this. I need to know people!! 

It Washes Over Me

Sometimes the grief of losing my Mom washes over me and I feel like I can't breathe. I miss her so much. It's hard for me to believe I do not have her with me anymore. I wasn't there when she passed. I went home. The hospice nurse that we had said that mom's wait for everyone to leave before they will pass. That's what happened with my Gram. I thought that maybe that would happen with my Mom, but my sister was still there. The day that she had the vent removed I asked if I could have sometime with her by myself. To tell her how much I love her. To ask her if this was what she really wanted. To tell her that I didn't want her to go. Someone had come into her room and I didn't feel like I had that time to be alone with her. To prepare myself for what was happening. After that everyone came back into her room. There was a shift change and they were going to call us back once they were ready to remove the vent. Before we left the room though. I got out the notebook and pen and said it's now or never I need that potato salad recipe. Everyone laughed, but I was not leaving without it! They will thank me later. 

The next time I got to see her, the vent had already been removed. She was very scared and kept telling us to hurry with meds that would help her to relax. There was no talking to her after that. Just waiting for her to pass. My sister and I spent the night. My mom got sick twice. The first time it woke me up but I didn't know that the sound was. Then her nurse came in to check on her and it happened again. He cleaned her up and changed her sheets. I don't know how much sleep I got that night. I know a lot of the time I just sat there watching her. Hoping that we were doing the right thing. The cancer was to much to fight and she wouldn't live through it anyway, but I still wish we had tried. She was ready though. I was, and still not ready. The next morning we just hung out in her room. By 3 or 4PM. I just wanted to go home and shower. I told my sister to call if anything changed. I got a call a little before 10PM, saying she had past. That was it. My Mom had gone. I wasn't with her in her last moments. I went home. I didn't get a chance to say good bye just one last time. I went home. I will never have that time back. To tell her that I love her again. To be selfish and beg her not to leave.  

She was cremated a couple of days later. My sister has her ashes. I want them, but the hubby is weird-ed out by that. I looked into getting a small urn to put some of her ashes in or even a ring or a necklace.  I just have not done it yet. Everything has been pushed aside. I just can't bring myself to deal with it. I don't have anything of her. I would be one of "those people" that talk to her. My girls would think I went off the deep end. 

One of my memories of my Mom. She would have this cigarette case that she would put her cigarettes in. It had two pockets with twist closers. The big one, cigarettes. The smaller one the lighter, her licence, saver cards and cash. I would love to smell the tobacco and leather together.  It is sad to me that the memory that I have of her has to have cigarettes in it. 

Washington D.C.

I am going on the 8th grade trip to Washington DC with Whitney and I am pumped!!! 

While typing that I am screaming it in my head! I didn't go when I was in school. I have been telling her for years now that I was going to go with her. Just so she would have the time to get over it. It's a week away and now I am freaking out. I have never been away from Avery. So five days away from being hugged, kissed and sniffed from her is going to be hard. Chris and I will be able to Skype but that will not be good enough. I wonder if she will notice if I take one of her blankies?  Before I go I have to clean the whole place. Plan meals for the hubby, and Avery. Pack, get Whitney packed, and I am sure a whole lot of other things that I have not even thought of. 

I am worried about knowing nothing about our nations capitol. The term, use it or lose it, is really how my life works. I wonder if there is a Washington DC for dummies? 

Did I forget to pass on the fact that I will be with gosh 30ish other eighth graders? Some of them I like, a good chunk I don't remember who they are, and then we get to the ones that if I had a chance would not even be on this trip. That again is a story for another time. 

I have been going to the gym to prepare for this trip. I figured if I was going to be able to keep up with all these teenagers I better lose some weight. Then I started thinking. If they have to move from their hotel room to the bus they are already tired. So I think I got this. 

I am worried about making sure I am taking care of myself. Eating the right things, will be hard for me. All meals will be "out". I do not think we will be by a kitchen that I will be able to make my own food. I am not one of those that can't let anyone touch her food. I am type 2 Diabetic and I have issues with food. Like eating to much of it, eating cupcakes, donuts and large sizes of coffee! Oh and bagels. Yes bagels are evil!! Oh but they are so good! 

Change of subject. 

Whitney's Ginger will be on the trip along with his parents. I have met his parents a hand full of times and I like them a lot. They are going to be going with us but not on the bus. I have been trying to talk his Mom into coming onto the bus. So we can talk. So far I know two other Mom's that are going to be going. I know one of them and I are rooming together, so this should be fun. Of course get back to me once I am there and want to hurt someone. We were given five pages of rules/instructions. I am bringing my copy with me!! 

Prayer Request:
Please pray that I do not want to eat my young before we even leave the school parking lot. That I do not miss Chris and Avery to much and start screaming to turn the bus around! Oh please pray that I do not embarrass myself, Whitney is ok, with anything related to politics. I will need some extra help with not over stepping with other people kids. The most important, that I take care of myself. That I make the right choices. Thank You! 

Wish me Luck!! 

Good Thing I Can't Find My Calendar

I would say we have progress if Whitney had to remind me on Saturday that Friday was three years to the date since the fire. I am very glad that I wasn't obsessing about the day and that it slipped right by me. I am still having flash backs and issues with smells. The smell of burning leaves that once was the reason to never live anywhere else, has become one of the smells I try to avoid. People that smoke really annoy me. Well that one is for a couple of reasons not just because of the fire. It is obvious that we have gotten back to living. I have tons of piles of papers, again. My home is not a clean, everyday, as it once was. I am not making my bed everyday. 

This is now the place we've been for the most of Avery's life. Yet all I can think of is getting out of here. This summer, if it kills me. We will be moving into a house!!! I would like to have a three bedroom, two bath house. Backyard, dining room, good size kitchen. Basement would be a must! Two car garage that is attached would be wonderful! Yet I would give almost all of that up to just be out of here. The plan is to look on the south side, so we can be closer to family and friends. 

Although the plan was to not even be where we are now a year. Here it is three years later. I think that we are both scared. Not knowing what to expect once we get into a house. If things break, the cost of fixing them. The whole up keep, and extra bills. It is scary. I don't know a lot of people that have gone into the whole house buying experience and not freak out about signing all of those papers. The common thing that I have heard is, it feels like your signing your life away. 

My worry is who do I trust with my home loan and to find a house? I don't really care for my bank, but it has just been bought out from another credit union. Would that be a good thing or not. There are times like now that I feel very ignorant. Maybe it is something you learn while going through it. I just don't work that way. I want to know what to expect step by step. 

What I dream of with having my first house. Princess will finally be able to come home with us. To paint the walls what ever color(s) I want. To put holes in the walls. To mark how tall the girls are. That I think is the most important to me. I think that seeing those marks on the wall tells the story of your home and family. 

Please pray for my family that we stay strong in moving forward to reaching this goal. Not only for ourselves, to prove that can do it, but for our girls. 

Mother's Day

I hate Mother's Day 

Mother's Day crap is everywhere, "don't forget to send flowers" on the TV, a special on a spa day on the radio, ideas for what to get your Mother all over Facebook! Oh even on my english muffins, WTH! No thank you, I do not want to get into the zoo on Sunday for free. I am so sick of seeing those card commercials also. Wonderful there is going to be a special peter rabbit about him forgetting Mother's Day and having to risk everything to find strawberries. Great, just great. This year much like every other year I wish Mother's Day didn't exist. Every Mother's Day since becoming a Mom, has been a horrible day for me. Not kidding, my very first one, Chris and I got into a very bad fight. The year after that same thing. So ever since I do not have high expectations. Which turns out to be a good thing. One thing or another would happen and I finally just give up on it ever being a good day for me. 

When Whitney started school, I started to get excited for the day again. I have this thing with noodle art, I love it. Getting little notes with flowers, hearts or hand prints. I lived for that! That made the day a little bit better. Then after she got older, they stopped doing things for Mother's Day. So I got bummed again. I do remember one while I was pregnant with Avery that ended up being a pretty good day. We all went somewhere for brunch, I had made reservations. It was great to be able to walk right in and be seated, and the food was pretty good. I was feeling great and the weather was good. I think that once we got home I even got to take a nap. On average though the whole Mother's Day thing sucks for me. 

This year will be the hardest of all the sucky years before. My Mom passed in January and this is the first "holiday" since her passing. Yup it just had to be Mother's Day. Hey why not, right? The day already sucks for me why not just add to it. I just can not handle anymore of the plan's being made, the time most of my friends get to spend with their not dead Mom's. The little green monster has taken over. 

So this is my wish, hope and even plea. If you are not talking to your Mom over something stupid, make up with her. I do not care if she is the one that screwed up. Make a point to forgive. Do not let another day go by with that door to her being closed. If you only knew how much I would give to have that chance. We had a good relationship. That door to my Mom was closed only because I could not talk to her very day, due to her being in the hospital on a vent. I miss my Mom, everyday. There has not been one day that has gone by that I don't want to pick up that phone to talk to her. Or to talk her into coming up for the weekend. To tell her about the girls, Chris, this blog. All the new and different things I have gone in the last year. I don't get to do that. Did I mention that I miss her? I have a lot of I need my Mommy moments. So please if you have your Mom still in your life please give her an extra hug, for me. 

I am going to be unplugging from Facebook for the next couple of days. I just can not read or see how happy you are with your Mom's.  It's still to fresh for me. I wish all of my family and friends a Happy Mother's Day. 

Girl Friends Suck!

It's hard for me to have close friends. I don't trust easily. I can remember one of my first friends lying to my sister about me and my sister believing her. "Tina" said that I took money from her to get ice cream from the ice cream man. This was not true. That was from as early as, third or fourth grade. 

When my sister, brother and myself came to visit my grandparents, and then ended up living with them. There was a girl my age that her Mom made her invite me to her birthday party. It was fun, the girls seemed nice. Well until school started then they didn't know me. That was fifth grade. I got really close to another girl in sixth grade but that didn't last long. In seventh grade she had to move with her family due to her dad's job. We tried to keep in touch but this was before email, facebook and Skype. 

There was a long list of girls that when I think about them at the time we were bff's. "M", we will call her, just thought that she was better than everyone else. "S", was jealous of me and that caused problems. I don't mean to sound stuck up about that either. She really didn't like me at the end of our friendship due to a boy. "J", well I don't really know what happened with her. What sealed the deal with that one was her sending a picture of me to a boy. She wrote on the back my name and phone number and "call for a good time". I got a phone call from that boy the morning of my grandma's wake. Oh not asking me out! Just to tell me what he got in the mail and who had sent it to him. After that I don't think that I really had any close girl friends. 

"T", and I had been friends off and on for many years. In JR high she tried to have someone beat me up. In HS we were friends, then not, then friends again. Anyone that knew her knew that meant you were a thing to push around. She was never nice. If I was at her house she would be on the phone. If we went anywhere it would be her showing off how much she could buy. Once out of HS we lost touch, then I found her. We were friends for a while again, but it was during a very rough patch in my marriage that I stopped being friends with her. I told her it was to focus on my marriage, which was true. I didn't need anyone to be telling me that I should leave my husband. She was pissed about that. Years later we became friends again. Now for the life of me I can not remember how that happened. Maybe I am blocking it out? lol. It was in 2008 that my grandfather died, I had a miscarriage and then got pregnant again. She had been married for a few years by then and wanted very badly to get pregnant. She finally did and once she did, we again stopped being friends. 

Whitney had started school and I would tell her. OK go make Mommy some friends! I had her in Girl Scouts and that is where I met, "J". Married for a while, three kids, grew up in the town that we lived in and we were the youngest of the Mom's. Everyone else was in their mid-thirties or early forties. Now this seemed like a great fit. We started being friends when Whitney was in first grade. J was one of the reasons why I went back to school. That I learned how to make a budget with the money we had. She was one of the reasons why Whitney is at the school she is at now. I was able to still have a job, due to J watching Avery for me. Once I lost that job, was when the friendship started to end. She said to me that even if I did get another job right away she wouldn't watch Avery because she didn't have the room for her. You see she did in home daycare. In a home of three bedrooms and she already had kids that took naps in those rooms. I understood, it still sucked ass that she would do that to me though. Less than a month later, I lost my home to a fire. She was ok during that time. She watched Avery for me a couple of times just for an hour or two so Chris and I could talk to the insurance company. I would call her from the hotel that we stayed in for a month after the fire. She never called me back. Once we moved into a place that she could visit, (at my other place, I had three cats and she was allergic) we stopped being friends. Just in this last year our daughters reconnected through email. I messaged J just to make sure she was ok with it. Whitney missed being friends with her kids and I wasn't going to stop that friendship just because J was a bitch. She messaged me back that she was never mad and that she didn't tell her kids anything. Well what the hell, why would she be mad? She was the one that never called me back. Ok so what ever, she is so not worth my time. 

So here I am. Whitney is starting sixth grade and I have no friends at a school that we have been at since it opened. I have no one to talk to from work because no one wanted to have anything to do with me. I was having flashbacks from the fire. Within the first two weeks of living here, Whitney got her period. Chris had started a new job, not even a year before, and Avery was well one. My side of the family was my sister, her family, my Mom, that was it. Well that I had to talk to. Chris's side, well that's a very long story for another day, but no, no one to talk to there. I was lost, depressed, and wondering what I did wrong. Why did I have all these toxic people in my life? As lonely as I was I was not going to let anyone else in that would do what all of them did to me. No way was I going to have another close friend. I built this wall, Chris was for the most part on my side, but no one else. I had friends from HS that I would see every once in awhile. It wasn't like in HS though. I didn't call to talk to them on the phone everyday. It was just skimming the surface. There were sometimes five or six of us, we needed to catch up and we only had so much time away from the kids!! 

I started going to church in 2011. That was amazing. I had never been to a church like this one. I fell in love right away and wanted to do everything I could to help out. I wanted to help make coffee, I used to work at a place that did that. I could totally do that. Or I could usher. Show people where to sit, pass buckets. Oh yeah I could totally do that also. Growth Groups, what are those? I can join two, ok where do I sign? Membership class, hold the phone I could become a member? Oh lets see what else could I do?? WAIT A SECOND!!! I don't know these people. There are girls that go here that are my age. What if they want to be friends with me? Oh hell no I was not going to go down that road again. So I didn't do any of that. For months, it was go to church, listen to Pastor Dave, go home, and go on with life. It wasn't until August that the Growth Groups started up again. I really had started to hear what Pastor Dave was saying. I really wanted to bring God into my life on a everyday level. My way of honoring God would be to save money and be smart with it. So I signed up for two growth groups. A couponing group and Dave R. FPU. They even said that it wasn't a counseling group that everyone was there to learn. So let everyone talk. I took that to mean, I don't have to talk to any of these people to learn what I came to learn. SCORE!! No worries about making friends, because I didn't have to, or want to. Well the first group I had no worries about having to make friends. The girls that were in charge, well sucked at running the group. So I only ended up going to a few of those meetings. The second group, I kinda made a connection with the lady running it. She was very nice, but busy! She is married, has a full time job and she is a foster parent! OK no worries about her wanting to be my BFF. There were other girls, one not married yet, one that was married for many years with older kids. Another well she didn't show up after the first couple of meetings then the last one was newly married and pregnant. It was like I was checking them off in my head, nope, nope, nope and nope. OK this group is a keeper!! We got to the end and a couple of them wanted to be friends on Facebook. Cool I am totally ok with that. That's not really friendship, that's stalking with permission. 

Now we get back to the newly married and pregnant girl. She latched on to me like no ones business and would not take a hint. No I did not want to be friends. Wait, your husband is how much younger than you? After the baby is born I get to hold him? Awe, a squishy baby! DAMN IT, that wall is going to stay. in. place!! You have cats? You want me to come over? I get to hold your baby while you play with Avery? You are cutting coupons too? How is the cash only budget working for you? Oh we should totally go to the store together. There is a play date just down the street from me? Oh I can go to that. Crap, crap, crap!! OK so I guess having someone close to the same age, with a little one, doing the cash budget thing and has coupons, I can be friends with. BUT that's it. I do not need any other people. Crap the first one knows another that is royalty! WHAT? That's a girl I could learn a lot from! 

How in the hell did this happen? I talk to the second girl on Facebook a few times and now we talk multiple times a day. Hang out, drink coffee and like each other. I did not want this to happen, yet here it is. Yes the wall is still up but man it is not as tall as it once was. I still worry about if, and when something happens, will we stop being friends?