The sadness is just below the surface, it's been one week since my Mom's Memorial. Not much has changed, other than not going to see her in the nursing home or hospital. Not picking out pictures for the DVD, or the memory boards. Cleaning and putting away everything I used for the Memorial. Still having the metal box we used to hold Mom's ashes during the service. Her favorite flowers in almost every room of my home.
Not much has changed, but a little has.
I was window shopping online the other day and found a long sleeve shirt for Avery that said Auntie Auntie Auntie it was pink. I clicked on the picture to pull up the other colors, the purple one said Nana Nana Nana. That took me by surprise.
I think that I was having Whitney text someone for me while I was driving. I asked her to put a smiley face in it. She said she would that she has a button that pulls all of the smiles up. That of all things made me cry. My Mom couldn't figure out how to turn on speaker on her cell phone and Whitney has a button for smileys. I still have her information in my cell phone, on the wall by the home phone and in my address book.
I just don't have the energy to erase them.
I keep thinking about calling her. I haven't been able to talk to her on the phone for months but now all I can think about is doing just that. I know maybe if I did erase her information then maybe I wouldn't be thinking about calling her.
That wouldn't matter, I knew her number by heart.
I thought that Avery was going to have a really hard time last week. I had been telling her the whole week before that we were going to go to a different church on Saturday. One that doesn't have all of her friends from our church but that she would met new friends. I told her that we had to pick up flowers for church, that they were Nana's favorite. She started saying that we needed to bring Nana flowers.
I worried that she thought she was going to see my Mom.
I still need to pick something out to put some of her ashes in. Then bury the rest of her. Maybe then the hurting will be bad again, right now it's just below the surface.