Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Today I'm Sad.

Tomorrow it will be two years since my Mom passed away. 
I can say that it doesn't feel like it's be two years but it does. 
Two very long years that I haven't been able to talk to her. 

To see her. 
To hear her. 
To touch her. 

I talk to her. When I'm by myself. I know to some it might be weird. I ask her about things that are going on in my life. What she thinks about them. Or if she knew all along that things were going to happen the way they did. I tell her about the people I have in my life and how grateful I am for all of them. I tell her about the new people, people that she didn't get to meet. I tell her about the people that she had met. I tell her about work. I tell her about the girls and ask for guidance. I tell her that I miss her. That's normally when I have to stop talking to her because the pain of her being gone overwhelms me. 

I think about her all the time, but I find myself thinking about her multiple times a day around the anniversary of her death. I was walking down one of the aisles at work and my eyes just caught the label on a bag of candy. JuJu bees. These were not even her favorite candy. She liked Dots, or Juciyfruit better. The JuJu bees remind me of a time we went camping and she let me get them. I just smiled to myself and said, 

"I miss you too Mom" 

I see her so much in Avery. Sometimes it catches me off guard. She could be sleeping, watching something on the TV or something she says. Avery will sometimes just bring my Mom up in conversation. It's been a while so I don't remember the last time she did say something. Whitney will just look at me. I think she is checking to see if I'm ok. I will be my love, I will be. Not tomorrow or the next day, but there will be a day that the pain doesn't make me want to curl up in a ball. There will come a day that I will be at peace knowing that I will see her again. That day is not today. 

Today I am sad.  

Oh my gosh, can you imagine how short she would be next to my nephew Nick?? The one I call Gigantor. :)


  1. <3 Today is not that day, but you will be okay. <3

  2. I think it would be weird not to talk to her. I do it often and am thinking of starting a journal of letters to her for my son and niece to read when they grow up. We all need to keep our loved ones alive in our hearts and lives the best way we know how to keep sane!

    Sending you big hugs!

    1. That's a great idea Liz. Before my Mom passed I wanted her to read one of those record able books. She never got the chance.