Sunday, April 7, 2013

Fuzzy Head

I have so much to do. My list of things to do is endless, but I am tired. Deep down bone tired. Yesterday was the first day back to the gym in a week. I only got a half an hour in also. This last weekend the family plus one all went to Minnesota. It's been a week since I went to see the diabetic educator. I only got a few test strips and forgot to call the Dr. to get more until Friday, right before we left. I didn't have enough to test the whole weekend, so I didn't test at all. So I know that has to factor into my being tired. I have not been a very good diabetic yet. I am waiting for it all to click into place. I get very frustrated reading labels and to tell you the truth. Reading labels with a 3 almost 4 year old is next to impossible. So more times then not I am winging it. Or not eat anything at all. My plan is to lose the weight so I don't have to worry about reading labels, take meds, and not be so tired. I know I have to put the work in first though. 

To even be more honest, my heart hurts. I miss my Mom so much. Thoughts of calling her on the phone to then remember I can't do that anymore. Every time I type in "Jen" into Facebook and my Mom's picture pops up. When Chris and I fight and I just want to talk to her. So she can take my side and tell me that he is a jerk. For me to then defend him and start to like him again. It's just so hard. I miss her so much. Nothing helps the pain of her not being here. I'm afraid of Avery asking me questions and I'm afraid of her not asking questions. I don't want her to forget my Mom, but I think she is just to young to have her own memories of her. There is just so much that reminds me of her. The sadness sometimes comes over me and is so heavy. I want to know that she is here with me, can see me, and hear me. Does she miss me too? 

Mom, I miss you so much. I miss holding your hand into a store. I miss hugging you and being taller than you. I miss making you coffee. I miss you hiding money and me not finding it until the next time you come up. Do you see my girls? Am I doing ok with them? There is so much going on that I want to share with you. There is still so much that I have to do that I am just not ready for. I have a hole in my heart that is just so deep. 

I just didn't have enough time with you. 

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