It has been more then a year now since my Mom past. It doesn't feel like a year, it doesn't even feel like a month. My heart still hurts every time I think about her. I was at Walmart and a man walked past me and he smelled like my Grandfather. I reached for my phone to call her. Until I realized that I couldn't call her. I even sent her a message on Facebook. There has been so much she has missed. She might have been gone for only a year but she was in the hospital for a while before that. Then before that we couldn't talk on the phone very much due to cell phone minutes. I told her when she was in the hospital that I started this blog. She never got to read any of it. I didn't get to tell her that since the fire I have been able to look back at it and see the blessings. That I have friends that are wonderful. That I am a stronger person. When I would go visit her in the hospital we didn't get to talk like we did before. She was on the vent and what we talked about most was what was going on with her medically.
The feelings that I have failed her is sometimes to much to handle. I have not buried her ashes. I have not moved into a house. Among other things. Since the beginning of the new year, you see all the stop smoking commercials. My Mom tried those things. They never worked for her. She just didn't want to. Was this her way of slowly killing herself? I will never know. There is another TV commercial that has a Grandmother and Granddaughter spending a birthday together. I told Whitney that I know that can't happen with Nana, but that I will do everything I can to stay healthy. I have been doing so much better with controlling my diabetes. I want to be there for any future grand kids. I am looking forward to sleep overs, date nights and feeding them to much candy. I want to be all the things my Mom couldn't be because she was sick.