I have not kept it from anyone that Chris and I have had hard seasons in our marriage. We have been married for over 15 years, so yeah we are going to have issues. We happen to be going through one in the last few months.
I hold grudges.
If I have felt like I wasn't treated fairly then I am mad. I have been feeling this way for many years. I think that marriage is a give and take and I have felt like I have given a lot more. Now with going through these last few weeks of the talk at church. I know that I need to let it go. That I need to move forward and not let that hold me back. I have taken my vows seriously, and I am not giving up on my marriage. That being said, I have no idea how to do it.
Just this morning I was telling Chris how in high school, I had went to the CLC Vocational campus to learn how to do hair. I was in the bathroom during a break and I had an adult teacher pull me out of the stall and tell me to come with her. (She wouldn't even let me wash my hands) She takes me into the hall and in front of the principle and my instructor tells them I was smoking in the bathroom. Now this is where I was about to flip out, even now I am pissed. I don't smoke, I have never smoked, and never would.
So how do I let go? How do I not let the past dictate my future? How do I get to the point of forgiving that teacher, and most important Chris? My Pastor also talked about when he and his wife were first married. How his wife really didn't "need" him to much. That he was free to hang out with friends, and do what ever. Then with in the first couple of years of marriage they had a baby. Even then she really didn't "need" him. Once they had a second baby, things changed. She did need him more. He needed to change. Now I know that I am missing pieces of his lesson. I will add a link to the post down below. It's worth the time to listen to all of the weeks but since I am talking about this one. I will make sure to have it down there. The point I am trying to make is. I know that Chris is no longer the person he was back then. I know that he made mistakes that he wouldn't now. So how do I let him not have to re-live them when ever I get mad? How do I not bring up the past? Doesn't the past dictate the future? To not repeat history you have to learn from it. What happens when the lesson is not learned and you have all that history to back it up? How do you let that go? I do not know.
What I do know is this.
I will be drawing closer to God. I will be re-watching the series videos. I will be praying that I can truly forgive and forget. I will be googling bible passages. AND I will be working hard to apply everything that I have, and will be learning.
Here is the link to the talk.